Sad

I feel so lost sometimes. I don't know where to start. 

Some would say at the beginning, but where to begin? Should I start where I left off? 

My last post was over a year ago. 

Still no new baby. 

Or pregnancy for that matter. 

So that makes me sad. And angry. And envious. And jealous. So incredibly jealous. Of the other young mothers around me and even the pregnant celebrities. People I have never even met before. 

Maybe I feel so lost because I'm grasping as straws trying to get pregnant. The traditional way is just not working for us. 

And we had such an easy time getting pregnant with Meghan, I never thought it would be so hard this time around. 

In a related story, the branch I now work for at the credit union (in a nearby busy town but not in the big city) is all female (not intentionally it just worked out that way). And our theme for Halloween is a maternity ward complete with baby dolls in a "nursery" and us dressed up as pregnant women or nurses. 

And I really thought I could handle it. I really did. 

Until I broke down in tears, hyperventilating while digging out cloth diapers to bring in for decorating. 

When Meg saw what I was doing, she said, "Oh! Those are for the new babies!"

Meaning new babies in my belly. 

That broke my heart. 

And yet, I'm so incredibly happy for my pregnant friends and acquaintances. Hurray for them! And I mean it! I'm so glad they're welcoming a new life. 

I just wish I could have that too. 

The daughter of my old boss, who is about my age, just announced her third pregnancy. She has a daughter who is a month younger than Meghan. And a son, who would be the same age as our miscarried baby. 

It was so funny when we ended up pregnant at the same time. Also Pat and Alex's son, Gabe, is a few months younger than our unborn baby. 

It is so surreal to me. I was elated when Alex announced that she was pregnant! We were going to have so much fun as pregnant mommies together. 

And all that changed so quickly. 

And then Drew's sister, Val, announced her pregnancy last spring. Oh, I was so happy for her and her fiancé! I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant with her.  To share this amazing experience with her.

And still, I'm not pregnant. 

Our baby was due November 15, 2012. 

I miss that baby everyday. I wish we had named him. Or her, I suppose. But I really feel like that baby was a boy. I miss him so much, it hurts. 

The lender at my branch has a 3 year old and just got married at the beginning of October. She shared with everyone that they would be trying for another baby now and that she stopped taking birth control. She had made a comment in the past about "racing" to see who would be pregnant first. 

I've been there since February and my co-workers know we're trying and have been trying for a long time to get prengant. 

No one's made that comment in months.

Then, this evening, one of Drew's friends made a comment about how we should have another kid so Meghan can have someone to play with. And how she'll be too big to have a sibling soon. All directed at me, of course. Like I have all the control in this matter!

Um, excuse me? Who are you to say when we should have another child? And why, for that matter? 

Ugh. Keep your comments to yourself!

So much work to do for Halloween and so little time! That's enough ranting for me. Thanks for listening!

(Excuse my grammar and spelling mistakes, typing on my phone 😉)

insert clever title...

...there. Hahaha...sometimes I just don't know where to start a post. I often just want to write and get things out of my system, without having a clear direction of where my post will go. Today is the 19th, a little more than 10 days left until Halloween and I really need to get my booty in gear! This year, I am making Flintstones costumes for me, Drew and Meghan, plus a pumpkin costume for baby Freddy and parts of Dylan's costume-he is going as Jake from Disney channel's Jake and the Never Land Pirates. A little more challenging than what I am used to! So far, I have finished crocheting Freddy's pumpkin hat and sewn the body of Drew's costume. I still have to sew my dress and make a necklace and (maybe) bracelet, sew the black triangles on Drew's costume and figure out a tie, sew Meghan's top and bottoms, sew Dylan a vest, boot shaped shoe covers, and sew Freddy's pumpkin costume. It is definitely going to be a bit hectic here the next few days :)

For my Wilma dress, I have to go buy some plain white sheets, as I will need 2 layers for the front and back because white sheets are pretty see-through. The necklace and (maybe) bracelet will be scraps of fabric rolled up and then stuffed into a tube of white fabric, with thread tied around each roll to make the 'beads'. For Drew's tie, I have to find some bright blue fabric, I have some options in my fabric bin, but nothing that is quite close enough for me. He might just end up with a light blue tie! Meghan's costume has been quite the internal debate. I was going to use some of the leftover orange fleece from Drew's and use either black pants or make black bloomers, but most of the images of Pebbles have her in a blue top and green bottoms, or hot pink top with black bottoms. I think I'm going to go with a blue top and green bottoms because I know I have the fabric for it and the orange is a little lacking for both her and Freddy's pumpkin costume. For that, I'm going to make a little baby bunting-essentially a tube with head, arm and bottom holes and then a larger tube over that, that can be stuffed with polyfil or somthing before being sewn together. Elastic in the bottom will make it like a sleep sack. Freddy has a Halloween themed outfit to wear underneath with long sleeves and pants, so we don't have to worry about him getting cold! I have the perfect navy blue pillowcase that I will be turning into a vest for Dylan's pirate Jake costume. I've never made anything like a vest, so we will see how it goes! Lacie provided a white shirt, dark denim pants,and red bandana for Dylan's costume, so his will be part store bought and part homemade!

I definitely need to get a big chunk of work done this week so that I know what I need to buy still to get everything done. And with that, I will take advantage of naptime and go get some crafting done! :)