Love.

http://guggiedaly.blogspot.com/2012/05/are-you-there-baby.html?m=1

El-em-en-oh-pee.

Meghan Louise knows the alphabet song. And she is so proud of herself! 

Meg continues to amaze us everyday. She is just so darn smart!

My mother was having full conversations with Meg on Sunday and I don't know if that's what made it click for her or what; my mom then went on and on about how Meghan should be in school. 

We still haven't decided what to do with Meg. I really don't feel that public school is the best route for us, but I don't see any other way. I work full time and I don't think Drew is up to the challenge of educating. 

...

My heart is heavy today. Drew and I got into a fight via text message. It's so hard to read someone's thoughts and feelings when you're communicating through cyber space. It's especially hard when you're on a teller line and one of the tellers called in because of her cat!

Frustrating. 

It's also frustrating when you come home expecting to talk things out and your brother-in-law is in the living room. Imagine my surprise. 

...

I can't seem to deal with the grief of losing our baby. I think of him often. I feel like a piece of our family is missing. I feel lost. Like I can't get over this hump. Nothing seems to help. My heart is missing a piece and I will never get it back. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix myself. I feel like I'm the only one trying to get through this. Why do I feel so alone? I don't know. 

I don't know.

I don't know. 

Shouldas

Should be...

Cleaning. 

Crocheting Emmitt's Christmas presents. 

Washing dishes. 

Making lists. 

Snuggling with my little bug. 

Not catching up on my aunt-in-law's blog. 

Not watching girlie movies. 

Not blogging. 

Thankful for...

My loving husband. 

My cuddly little bug. 

Warm blankets. 

Hot cocoa. 

Blogs to read. 

Facebook messages from Alex and Pat-just to say they are thinking of us this month when they know it will be hard on us. 

I am so thankful for her. That she remembered. No one else has. How can no one notice? I want to scream, "Can't you see?? I am broken. I am missing my son! Does no one see that I am incomplete?" 

I need a rainbow. 

Another recipe fail.

This time it's facebook's fault! Haha. I saw a picture of pancake cups. Where supposedly you could bake pancake mix in a muffin tin for 15 minutes at 400 degrees and they would come out with craters in the middle for filling. The picture sure looked delicious! Too bad they came out like pancake muffins! :)

Sometimes things just don't work out! Oh well, they still tasted good with blueberry topping and syrup. 

What a crazy crazy week. Yes, double crazy. We had Monday off for the Veterans Day holiday which was nice to get a three day weekend, but it seems like the rest of the week was dragging along. 

With the time change and the full moon, all the crazy members come out to the branch to do their financial business. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Hahaha, my coworkers and I like to joke that the full moon week is the worst because everyone wants ridiculous things. It's kind of hard to find an example that translates well, especially through the computer screen. 

One kid, probably 18 or so, gave a coworker a coin slip (we have a coin sorter like a CoinStar machine) and a paycheck. He said he wanted to take $25 from one and $40 from the other to pay towards his credit card and then take some cash back from both and then he rest go into his savings. 

What? That makes no sense! Silly!

It was like no one could articulate what they wanted to do. Sometimes I ask people how they want their cash back, and I get a blank stare in return and then an "I don't know."

Well, I don't know either, so let's just put it in my account, ok? Wouldn't that be lovely? :)

Things are going very well at work, I can't remember if I shared, but I moved to a small public branch in a town close by. Only takes 15 minutes to get to work, at most. Opposed to the 45 it was before when I was working downtown in the big city in a private building. That was a small branch just for the employees of the company where there was no access for the public.

I very much like working at the new branch. I get along really well with all my coworkers, we happen to have an all female branch which is uncommon because most branches have at least one guy. There was a male lender when I transferred there in February but he moved to mortgages and now we have a female lender. Our branch manager is a girl I used to be friends with in high school. We have 2 older ladies, one is a teller, the other is a member services rep. The rest of us are under 30, but we all get along well. 

I hate getting home after dark and it's only 5:30. Ugh. I am already tired, I do not want to be reminded that I need to do the dishes or laundry when there's no light. To make it worse, this house has the worst possible lighting. No room is ever bright enough for me. I feel like I can't see anything! Makes for some interesting "clean" dishes sometimes! 

Enough with the boring details, we're off to my Dad's house for smoked turkey and ribs! Yum! 

Sunday fun day!

Meghan had her first real sleepover last night. Dylan and Kaylee came over. Kaylee is the daughter of Lacie's boyfriend. Everything went really well, they played upstairs in the play room, are dinner together, watched Despicable Me and had popcorn for a snack. That is, until it came to be bedtime. 

Dylan had already fallen asleep on the couch. So I got the 2 girls settled in on the air mattress in the playroom. (The playroom is the first room at the top of the stairs) Then I went down and woke Dylan up to use the bathroom and walked him upstairs and tucked him in. 

But then Meg wouldn't settle down. (Surprise) She was opening and closing the door to the stairs, talking, and doing who knows what else. Then there was crying from Dylan because Meg kept shutting the door. So I took Meg downstairs and told her she'd have to sleep with me if she couldn't be good and quiet. 

Of course that set her off, but I calmed her down and took her back upstairs. When we got up there, Dylan told me that Kaylee was crying because she was scared. (Kaylee had never slept over all night somewhere else, but Dylan sleeps some nights at my Dads)

I brought everybody downstairs and said I'd call or text Lacie to come pick up Dylan and Kaylee. Poor Meg was devastated and wailing, "I don't want them to gooooo. I want them to stayyyyyy." And I tried to explain that we can't make people stay when they don't want to. But she wasn't really buying it. 

Lacie wasn't responding to my texts so I called her, she and Paul (the boyfriend) were out to dinner and she said to tell them to calm down and they'd be out to pick them up later. 

I tucked all 3 kids into my bed and turned on the Tigger movie. They were all asleep before the end of the movie! Hurray!

So we sort of had a sleepover. :)

Uplifted

It's true. I am feeling uplifted. Ever since my ObGyn appointment last Thursday. It was for a regular annual exam but we talked at length about how long we've been trying to conceive. About the miscarriage last year. About vbac and repeat cesareans. 

In total, we've been trying to conceive since August of 2011. Over two years and I've only been pregnant once. 

The midwife I met with, Meghan (coincidently) was very knowledgeable and really put me at ease. My office doesn't do vbac because the hospital they deliver at is in the little city and they are the only office that delivers at that hospital. 

But things could change. Maybe by the time we're pregnant with #3, they'll have changed their backwards views and get with the program. The hospital in the little city has an operating room and anesthesiologist on staff, but they don't have a nicu. Which is why I believe they don't do vbac. But a nicu shouldn't be necessary if the pregnancy and mom are healthy. At any rate. 

I am determined and hopeful to vbac. Complications only rise with each repeat cesarean. And I am not about to go scheduling a repeat at 39 weeks (the office's policy) when due dates are just guesses. Especially since my cycle length  has been wacky. Varying between 28-32 days. 

But! The best news was at the end if the appointment. Meghan said to keep using the fertility friend app (love it!) to keep track of my temps and and keep trying for a babe and if we are still not pregnant after the 1st of the year then we should for an appointment with the doctor to run tests and start looking at preconception techniques to help us. Like hormones and things like that. 

I would really love to conceive without the help of hormones. But if that's what it takes. We clearly cannot do this on our own. 

In addition, I have got to start exercising regularly and eating right. I'm doing nothing but hurting our chances by sitting around and being lazy about what I'm eating. 

Even if we weren't trying to get pregnant, carrying around this extra 100 pounds is wreaking havoc on my body. 

I only wish I had gone to the doctor sooner. 

Halloween updates and pictures tomorrow, I hope!

Sad

I feel so lost sometimes. I don't know where to start. 

Some would say at the beginning, but where to begin? Should I start where I left off? 

My last post was over a year ago. 

Still no new baby. 

Or pregnancy for that matter. 

So that makes me sad. And angry. And envious. And jealous. So incredibly jealous. Of the other young mothers around me and even the pregnant celebrities. People I have never even met before. 

Maybe I feel so lost because I'm grasping as straws trying to get pregnant. The traditional way is just not working for us. 

And we had such an easy time getting pregnant with Meghan, I never thought it would be so hard this time around. 

In a related story, the branch I now work for at the credit union (in a nearby busy town but not in the big city) is all female (not intentionally it just worked out that way). And our theme for Halloween is a maternity ward complete with baby dolls in a "nursery" and us dressed up as pregnant women or nurses. 

And I really thought I could handle it. I really did. 

Until I broke down in tears, hyperventilating while digging out cloth diapers to bring in for decorating. 

When Meg saw what I was doing, she said, "Oh! Those are for the new babies!"

Meaning new babies in my belly. 

That broke my heart. 

And yet, I'm so incredibly happy for my pregnant friends and acquaintances. Hurray for them! And I mean it! I'm so glad they're welcoming a new life. 

I just wish I could have that too. 

The daughter of my old boss, who is about my age, just announced her third pregnancy. She has a daughter who is a month younger than Meghan. And a son, who would be the same age as our miscarried baby. 

It was so funny when we ended up pregnant at the same time. Also Pat and Alex's son, Gabe, is a few months younger than our unborn baby. 

It is so surreal to me. I was elated when Alex announced that she was pregnant! We were going to have so much fun as pregnant mommies together. 

And all that changed so quickly. 

And then Drew's sister, Val, announced her pregnancy last spring. Oh, I was so happy for her and her fiancé! I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant with her.  To share this amazing experience with her.

And still, I'm not pregnant. 

Our baby was due November 15, 2012. 

I miss that baby everyday. I wish we had named him. Or her, I suppose. But I really feel like that baby was a boy. I miss him so much, it hurts. 

The lender at my branch has a 3 year old and just got married at the beginning of October. She shared with everyone that they would be trying for another baby now and that she stopped taking birth control. She had made a comment in the past about "racing" to see who would be pregnant first. 

I've been there since February and my co-workers know we're trying and have been trying for a long time to get prengant. 

No one's made that comment in months.

Then, this evening, one of Drew's friends made a comment about how we should have another kid so Meghan can have someone to play with. And how she'll be too big to have a sibling soon. All directed at me, of course. Like I have all the control in this matter!

Um, excuse me? Who are you to say when we should have another child? And why, for that matter? 

Ugh. Keep your comments to yourself!

So much work to do for Halloween and so little time! That's enough ranting for me. Thanks for listening!

(Excuse my grammar and spelling mistakes, typing on my phone 😉)