we are...

...never ever ever getting back together. I cannot get that Taylor Swift song out of my head. I've only heard it all the way through once on the radio and that was a few days ago...

Crazy head.

Lots of crazy things going on, no surprise there. I'll be watching Dylan this week and then, that's it! Forever! I am so so relieved. I never really wanted to watch him, I started when Meghan was 4 months old and I mostly don't enjoy it. At the time, we were living in our apartment in the suburbs and I liked being a stay-at-home momma to just one baby. I was sort of forced into it, Lacie and my mom were both pushing for it. In their eyes, being a sahm is not a job and to not be making an income is just not enough contribution to the world. Blargh. In some ways, I feel cheated out of Meg's babyhood. I don't know if that's weird of not, because my nephew shouldn't feel like an observer, but he did. Does. Sometimes.

Of course, being here is different, I'm thankful Meg has other kids to play with around her age, every day. Plus she's older and so much more independent. And my mom and sister really sold it to me, "You'll get paid", "it's only 4 days a week", etc. Well, $100 a week for 40+ hours is crap. I would much rather being doing something and get paid a real wage for it.

Paid, full time, training for my new job (Part Time teller at Empower FCU) starts September 10th. That's just 2 days after we move in with Drew's grandparents before they leave for their cross country vacation on September 12th. So, Meg will be going through a lot of change in a short amount of time. We all will.

And I am totally cool with that.

I'm ready to switch it up. I think I'll be able to get a bunch of crafty stuff done and work on actually getting my etsy store off the proverbial ground. We will of course, be less crowded and have more room. Even with working like crazy, I'll be able to set up my sewing machine and crochet stuff somewhere and just sit down (or pick it up) whenever I want. I haven't bothered with the sewing machine here because after I get Meghan to sleep, clean the kitchen table/area and set the machine up, it'd be 10pm. So there wasn't really a point to it. My poor crochet projects have been sitting on the shelf next to the couch for months. I never did finish Drew's cousin's baby blanket (Kim's sister's daughter, Jess gave birth to her daughter on Sean's 5th birthday. July 24th)

Thinking about straightening my hair today. Just for the fun of it. Maybe while I'm off washing diapers...

friday...

...Friday, gotta get down on Friday. Ok, technically it's Saturday. Sorry 'bout that. Been hella busy lately/today especially. Without further ado,

Dear Friday, Hot dang, could you get any crazier? I would like to get things done and not have to crash for 5 hours in the afternoon.
Dear Sickness, Thanks for letting me crash for 5 hours this afternoon.
Dear Hubby, See above.
Dear Empower Thanks for the job offer! Super excited to get a drug screen on Monday! (not) But, definitely excited for Full Time paid training starting September 10th! ;)
Dear Ben, I have been meaning to write you letter. I am seriously going to go do that. In about 5 minutes.
Dear Crazy Sunday, Sorry if I'm slacking, it's going to be a crazy day thanks to 2 birthday parties, one of which is a tea party for a certain 7 year old princess ;)
Dear Self, For the love of pete, do not have strep. Please.
Dear Body, Is Aunt Flow gone yet? Because she is not welcome here. Especially not if she shows up in September.

I am in rare...

...form today, I suppose. Just when you're at your wit's end and think maybe a nap at 6pm is looking brilliant, your in-laws walk in the door from their camping vacation! Huge weight lifted off my shoulders as I will be hearing significantly less amounts of "Meghan is..." "Sean took my...", " Danielle won't stop...", "I can't find my...", "SoAndSo is sick..." and my personal favorite, "I'm Hungry!" :)

Can't believe it's almost 10 o'clock, I have my interview at Empower tomorrow morning and have to be out the door by 9...which reminds me I should probably look up directions tonight, instead of in the morning like I did last time.

There. Took care of that.

Now, I just have to figure out what to wear. I asked Drew (always has the insightful answer hah) and he suggested the skirt with the blue and green circles on it. And then I pointed to my bottom half. (I was wearing aforementioned skirt) We laughed and then I mentally tried to figure something out. I don't know if I should go with a skirt/top or a dress. Probably a skirt, I wear them more often and am more comfortable in them than in the dresses I own.

I was in a little bit of a rush last time and I think it showed, I didn't get my hair right and was sort of flying out the door. I hope to be more collected tomorrow. Also, the woman I met with last time will be there, along with a supervisor, a branch manager and a district manager. Probably all of those people. No worries. :)

So say a little prayer, shout out, sing a song, etc for me and hopefully my Friday Letters post will start off on a happy note ;)

yummmm...

...made iced coffee this morning. Definitely the best way to start the day. We only had a little of the Pumpkin Spice coffee left, so I put half of that and half regular Arabica in the coffee maker. Yum! We're all out of milk, so a trip to the little town market sometime today...perhaps I'll take a kid or two. :)

In much more riveting news, got my results from the blood draw on Saturday, my HCG level was at a 4! That means I am definitely having a period right now (awesome) and we can conceive (awesomer!) Super excited! When I got off the phone with the nurse, I turned to Drew and said "Let's make a baby!" Haha.

Hopefully, I'll have a rainbow baby update in 4ish weeks ;)

I had the screening test with Empower yesterday, and I passed it, which means I am not an idiot :) I have an official interview with a branch on Thursday morning. I still have a phone interview with M&T on Friday morning as well. They're both for part time teller positions, which I think will be perfect. I don't want a full time job (whether we need it or not) I think I got really burnt out when I was working before; just working, homekeeping and sleeping. It was really rough not having any time to be creative.

Also, Sunday is Danielle's 7th birthday (also my Grandma's birthday) and Danielle is having a tea party! I am excited for all the yummies we'll be eating. Plus we get to dress up! It will be a long day with 2 parties to go to!

In September, Drew's grandparents are celebrating their 50th anniversary by driving cross country! They'll be gone for 6 (or more) weeks and we will be house sitting for them. We go there on the 8th and if I get the position with Empower, training for that starts the 10th, so lots of changes! Haven't figured out what we'll do if Drew is working too, as far as Meghan is concerned. I'd hate to have to drive him to work, Meghan to Cato (so Kim can watch her :D) and then to the suburbs of the big city to work. (not the suburb we lived in before, the one where Colleen and Joey live, for those of you who know me in real life)

I'm sure it will all work out. It always does.

sunday...

...funday? I don't know about that one. Kim and Tom (in-laws) have gone camping in the Adirondacks until at least Wednesday. Or whenever they run out of food. And they took food. A lot of food. Haha. So I am in charge (of course!) with Drew, Val, Matt, Luke, Carrie (she's at her boyfriend's house right now), Jake, Eileen, Olivia, Danielle and Sean. And Meghan. Dylan comes tomorrow, but that's the only day this week. I don't really count Val and Matt as they're very self-sufficient and tend to stay in their room. A lot.

Kim cooked up a bunch of food before she left like taco meat and sloppy joes (YUM). We'll be eating like the Kennedys while they're gone. My mom used to say that a lot whenever we had something good to eat, instead of sandwiches or ramen night. ;)

Kim laughed when she read my Friday letter post, I didn't know I was so funny! I was serious about the womb/blood work part. I had my (hopefully last) blood drawn yesterday, but I won't hear the results until Monday when the Dr's office calls me. I wrote that because I'm pretty sure my period is back! (hurray!) This feels like a postpartum period too, which is good, but I am seriously crampy and cranky and exhausted and constantly hungry. I ate 4 baked potatoes with dinner the other. FOUR. POTATOES. What was I thinking?! I was thinking I was hungry, that's what! Hah.

I applied to a bunch of positions over the past 10 daysish and M&T bank and Empower Credit Union have both called back! I have a screening test tomorrow morning with Empower and a phone interview with M&T Friday morning. So. Maybe I'll be getting a job. :)

I think I'm going to lost it today if these kids keep eating all the freeze pops. And I'm not even talking about the youngest 3 kids. :D

thinking...

...about doing one of those weekly post thingers that other bloggers do. You know, "Wordless Wednesday", etc. This one is called "Friday's Letters" where you write little notes to people or places or things...


So. Here goes.

Dear Meghan, Quit growing! At 2 years old, Meghan at 26.4 pounds/35 inches (~12 kg/90 cm for my international readers ;)) is taller than 75% of the other 2 year old kids and right around normal for weight. She's always been long and thin and I hope she continues. Drew is 6 ft (183 cm) and I am 5'8" (172.5 cm), so there's no surprise that she's a baby Amazon.
Dear M&T, Empower FCU, and every other job I've applied to in the last week, Please, please hire me. I need a job. We need some type of income and I don't know how much longer we can stand it.
Dear Sister, Get it together.
Dear HCG Bloodwork, Come back 0, or 150 and climbing fast...
Dear Other Sister, Get it together and forgive the other one.
Dear Car, Please, please do not break down. Not now.
Dear Husband, Come home from camping! I need you. We miss you!
Dear Womb, Please. Please.
Dear Self, Pray. For patience and guidance and wisdom. Also, go for a walk, lazy butt!

Whew! One down, a bajillion Fridays to go...

happy...

...Tuesday! Well, pretty ordinary actually. I'm taking Meghan and Freddy to the pediatrician for their 2 year and 1 year checkups, respectively. Kait and I have been playing the compare game since Freddy starting catching up to Meghan, weight wise, even though they're a year apart.

Freddy's always been a chunky baby and so was Dylan, I think because they were only breastfed for a short while and then had formula until a year. Whereas Meg was and has been breastfed for almost 25 months! Never thought we'd get this far. When we left the hospital, I was pumping with little output and Meghan was supplemented with formula. I'm so proud that we got this far.

The look on my face is a little ridiculous because Meghan was trying to lift my shirt as Eileen took the picture!

Well, it's Thursday now, I hardly get around to posting the same day I start writing. I wrote last week about the miscarriage, now here's an update (?) I've been having bloodwork done every 1-2 weeks since we found out I was miscarrying to make sure my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels are going down. I started out at 87 (sometime in July, when I started asking the nurse what my levels were at), they'd like to see me down to 0 and as of 2 weeks ago, I was at 18. So. I get to go back again. Kim keeps joking that she hopes it's up to 150 (meaning I'd be preggo ;) ) Well, I hope so too! The levels have been gradually coming down, I'm not worried and the office isn't concerned either. I'm grateful they didn't suggest a D&C, I would've liked for it to continue naturally. I'm glad this office has been so accommodating, I haven't had an interaction with anyone I haven't liked (a rare find) and they are so close by.

Not too much in the schedule for today, have to make some phone calls (hurray adulthood!) and give Dylan a haircut. Which I had better get to, since I haven't had a chance the last 2 days. :)

ps-Thanks D. for your comments and the clothes! Meg and I love and appreciate them and I haven't had a chance to say 'Thank you' yet. :)

pure...

...brilliance!

It's been a long time...

...comin'. My poor readers. Sorry to keep you out of the loop for so long, I can't believe it's been 4 months since I wrote last! So many changes and I was quite depressed for awhile there and really did not have the heart to write. Nor the time.

When I left you all, we were living in an apartment in a suburb of the big city. We had just learned/realized our lease would not be renewed and were in a bit of a pickle because we had no income at that time.

Enter stage left: my amazing in-laws! I am truly blessed to be a part of this family, I am grateful everyday that they were able to make room for 3 more people in their home. At the time, it was Drew's parents and his siblings: Val (and her boyfriend Matt), Liz, Luke, Carrie, Jake, Eileen, Olivia, Danielle and Sean living in their house. Then Liz announced she would be moving in with her boyfriend at the end of April, just in time for us to move in before our lease expired April 30th.

It's amazing how God always has a plan and provides right when we need it.

So, we have been living in an upstairs bedroom. And it's amazing how much stuff we can fit in a regular bedroom along with 3 people. You wouldn't think Meghan would take up a lot of room, but she does!

Speaking of, Meghan just turned two! We had so much fun at her birthday party, it was rainbow themed! Meg had lots of good times with friends and family and got lots of lovely presents, which she loves so much. "Me, presents, momma?" is what she likes to ask frequently!

Meghan in her birthday outfit

Things have been going pretty well, we have food and shelter ;) Drew and I are both looking for jobs at this point, in the hope that one of us will get lucky and get something. We really need income of some kind, bills do tend to pile up when you don't pay them! I really am hoping Drew finds something first. I truly feel like my calling is to be a homemaker, wife and momma. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I would be grateful for serious income.

Besides bills being due, we've been driving my dad's 2002 Buick Park Ave. It's a monster of a boat but it gets maybe 20 miles to the gallon. If we're lucky. We really need something reliable and gas-friendly.

Now for the sad part.


We have been ttc for a long time now, seriously working at it since AF returned a year ago. (a year, already?!) This past February, AF never showed up. I was elated! I thought finally we had conceived a sibling for Meghan. So, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I took another 2 weeks later as AF still hadn't reared her ugly head. Again, negative. I was dejected, but I know that sometimes nursing affects your cycle, so I was resolved to continue trying and perhaps AF would come back in March.

All throughout March, I had horrible headaches, was very tired and had nausea nearly everyday. I knew the nausea was weird, I was avoiding foods that normally I love. Nursing was becoming increasingly painful as well, I thought Meghan was biting me every time! I decided to take another test the morning of March 29th (mil's birthday) because I was nauseous again and thought that if it was still negative, perhaps I was experiencing a false/hysterical pregnancy.

It was positive!

We were so overjoyed! Finally, an answer to my prayers. And relief as well, that I wasn't making everything up in my head. :)

AF never did return and April was pretty busy, I was packing up everything we own and finding a storage unit to store most of our stuff in. I never had a chance to find a doctor. I met with a homebirth midwife, but she was unwilling to do an HBAC with me as she had never had an HBAC momma before.

All throughout this time, I never had any dreams about the baby, which I thought was strange because I dreamt of Meghan several times before she was born and before I even knew I was pregnant. I never had the urgency to get the pregnancy confirmed either. Whereas with Meghan, I found an OBGYN right away.

I also was seriously considering not announcing the pregnancy until 12 weeks and after it had been confirmed and we had heard the heartbeat. But, we told the in laws on Kim's birthday and the rest of my family on Easter in April. I even made Meg an iron on tshirt that said, "I'm gonna be a big sister!" I announced it on Facebook to make it official "Pink or Blue, Either will do, By Thanksgiving we'll have Baby #2!"

On May 8th, I woke up bleeding. I was terrified.

I was still spotting later that day when I took Meghan to the doctor's for a checkup. Drew was on the road 3+ hours away with this awful log home restoration job. I was taking care of Meghan, we had just moved into my in laws house, so everything was in boxes and jumbled around in our room and I was watching Dylan during the day. I continued to spot and pass some small clots.

On May 15th, I passed a large clot, what I believe to be our baby.

I had called the local family planning office so they could confirm the pregnancy and help me find an OBGYN that accepted Medicaid. I chose the OBGYN that Kait had delivered Freddy with because they were so convenient. But, they weren't able to fit me in for an appointment until May 30th. I was floored that I'd have to wait 3 weeks to see anyone, even after I explained to the receptionist that I thought I was miscarrying.

On May 30th, our baby was confirmed as a miscarriage.

I didn't have too high of hopes going into that appointment. I knew in my heart that this baby wasn't meant to be, and I think I knew it subconsciously all along. The midwife felt my fundal height and tried to find a heartbeat with the handheld doppler machine, which should've been easy as I should've been about 16 weeks.

No heartbeat but my own.

The silence was deafening.

I tried to hold back tears as she explained we would do an ultrasound right away because perhaps the baby was in a weird position.

Ultrasound tech saw no sign of a baby. I cried.

It's been really hard trying to work through this. Miscarriage is one of those things where you think it will never happen to you. The doctor told me 1 in 3 women miscarry and before I hardly knew anyone who had miscarried. After I announced our loss on Facebook, "But all that has been is a whisper of a promise. We were expecting a baby, but Heaven got an angel instead. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are greatly appreciated. Earth Mama Angel Baby and stillbirthday.com are amazing resources. ♥"; support and prayers and women like me were coming through the woodwork. Even friends of mine that are my age have had loss. It's amazing how something like miscarriage isn't talked about.


So.


That's where it's at. I hope to update more frequently, don't be a stranger! :)