Uplifted

It's true. I am feeling uplifted. Ever since my ObGyn appointment last Thursday. It was for a regular annual exam but we talked at length about how long we've been trying to conceive. About the miscarriage last year. About vbac and repeat cesareans. 

In total, we've been trying to conceive since August of 2011. Over two years and I've only been pregnant once. 

The midwife I met with, Meghan (coincidently) was very knowledgeable and really put me at ease. My office doesn't do vbac because the hospital they deliver at is in the little city and they are the only office that delivers at that hospital. 

But things could change. Maybe by the time we're pregnant with #3, they'll have changed their backwards views and get with the program. The hospital in the little city has an operating room and anesthesiologist on staff, but they don't have a nicu. Which is why I believe they don't do vbac. But a nicu shouldn't be necessary if the pregnancy and mom are healthy. At any rate. 

I am determined and hopeful to vbac. Complications only rise with each repeat cesarean. And I am not about to go scheduling a repeat at 39 weeks (the office's policy) when due dates are just guesses. Especially since my cycle length  has been wacky. Varying between 28-32 days. 

But! The best news was at the end if the appointment. Meghan said to keep using the fertility friend app (love it!) to keep track of my temps and and keep trying for a babe and if we are still not pregnant after the 1st of the year then we should for an appointment with the doctor to run tests and start looking at preconception techniques to help us. Like hormones and things like that. 

I would really love to conceive without the help of hormones. But if that's what it takes. We clearly cannot do this on our own. 

In addition, I have got to start exercising regularly and eating right. I'm doing nothing but hurting our chances by sitting around and being lazy about what I'm eating. 

Even if we weren't trying to get pregnant, carrying around this extra 100 pounds is wreaking havoc on my body. 

I only wish I had gone to the doctor sooner. 

Halloween updates and pictures tomorrow, I hope!

yummmm...

...made iced coffee this morning. Definitely the best way to start the day. We only had a little of the Pumpkin Spice coffee left, so I put half of that and half regular Arabica in the coffee maker. Yum! We're all out of milk, so a trip to the little town market sometime today...perhaps I'll take a kid or two. :)

In much more riveting news, got my results from the blood draw on Saturday, my HCG level was at a 4! That means I am definitely having a period right now (awesome) and we can conceive (awesomer!) Super excited! When I got off the phone with the nurse, I turned to Drew and said "Let's make a baby!" Haha.

Hopefully, I'll have a rainbow baby update in 4ish weeks ;)

I had the screening test with Empower yesterday, and I passed it, which means I am not an idiot :) I have an official interview with a branch on Thursday morning. I still have a phone interview with M&T on Friday morning as well. They're both for part time teller positions, which I think will be perfect. I don't want a full time job (whether we need it or not) I think I got really burnt out when I was working before; just working, homekeeping and sleeping. It was really rough not having any time to be creative.

Also, Sunday is Danielle's 7th birthday (also my Grandma's birthday) and Danielle is having a tea party! I am excited for all the yummies we'll be eating. Plus we get to dress up! It will be a long day with 2 parties to go to!

In September, Drew's grandparents are celebrating their 50th anniversary by driving cross country! They'll be gone for 6 (or more) weeks and we will be house sitting for them. We go there on the 8th and if I get the position with Empower, training for that starts the 10th, so lots of changes! Haven't figured out what we'll do if Drew is working too, as far as Meghan is concerned. I'd hate to have to drive him to work, Meghan to Cato (so Kim can watch her :D) and then to the suburbs of the big city to work. (not the suburb we lived in before, the one where Colleen and Joey live, for those of you who know me in real life)

I'm sure it will all work out. It always does.

It's been a long time...

...comin'. My poor readers. Sorry to keep you out of the loop for so long, I can't believe it's been 4 months since I wrote last! So many changes and I was quite depressed for awhile there and really did not have the heart to write. Nor the time.

When I left you all, we were living in an apartment in a suburb of the big city. We had just learned/realized our lease would not be renewed and were in a bit of a pickle because we had no income at that time.

Enter stage left: my amazing in-laws! I am truly blessed to be a part of this family, I am grateful everyday that they were able to make room for 3 more people in their home. At the time, it was Drew's parents and his siblings: Val (and her boyfriend Matt), Liz, Luke, Carrie, Jake, Eileen, Olivia, Danielle and Sean living in their house. Then Liz announced she would be moving in with her boyfriend at the end of April, just in time for us to move in before our lease expired April 30th.

It's amazing how God always has a plan and provides right when we need it.

So, we have been living in an upstairs bedroom. And it's amazing how much stuff we can fit in a regular bedroom along with 3 people. You wouldn't think Meghan would take up a lot of room, but she does!

Speaking of, Meghan just turned two! We had so much fun at her birthday party, it was rainbow themed! Meg had lots of good times with friends and family and got lots of lovely presents, which she loves so much. "Me, presents, momma?" is what she likes to ask frequently!

Meghan in her birthday outfit

Things have been going pretty well, we have food and shelter ;) Drew and I are both looking for jobs at this point, in the hope that one of us will get lucky and get something. We really need income of some kind, bills do tend to pile up when you don't pay them! I really am hoping Drew finds something first. I truly feel like my calling is to be a homemaker, wife and momma. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I would be grateful for serious income.

Besides bills being due, we've been driving my dad's 2002 Buick Park Ave. It's a monster of a boat but it gets maybe 20 miles to the gallon. If we're lucky. We really need something reliable and gas-friendly.

Now for the sad part.


We have been ttc for a long time now, seriously working at it since AF returned a year ago. (a year, already?!) This past February, AF never showed up. I was elated! I thought finally we had conceived a sibling for Meghan. So, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I took another 2 weeks later as AF still hadn't reared her ugly head. Again, negative. I was dejected, but I know that sometimes nursing affects your cycle, so I was resolved to continue trying and perhaps AF would come back in March.

All throughout March, I had horrible headaches, was very tired and had nausea nearly everyday. I knew the nausea was weird, I was avoiding foods that normally I love. Nursing was becoming increasingly painful as well, I thought Meghan was biting me every time! I decided to take another test the morning of March 29th (mil's birthday) because I was nauseous again and thought that if it was still negative, perhaps I was experiencing a false/hysterical pregnancy.

It was positive!

We were so overjoyed! Finally, an answer to my prayers. And relief as well, that I wasn't making everything up in my head. :)

AF never did return and April was pretty busy, I was packing up everything we own and finding a storage unit to store most of our stuff in. I never had a chance to find a doctor. I met with a homebirth midwife, but she was unwilling to do an HBAC with me as she had never had an HBAC momma before.

All throughout this time, I never had any dreams about the baby, which I thought was strange because I dreamt of Meghan several times before she was born and before I even knew I was pregnant. I never had the urgency to get the pregnancy confirmed either. Whereas with Meghan, I found an OBGYN right away.

I also was seriously considering not announcing the pregnancy until 12 weeks and after it had been confirmed and we had heard the heartbeat. But, we told the in laws on Kim's birthday and the rest of my family on Easter in April. I even made Meg an iron on tshirt that said, "I'm gonna be a big sister!" I announced it on Facebook to make it official "Pink or Blue, Either will do, By Thanksgiving we'll have Baby #2!"

On May 8th, I woke up bleeding. I was terrified.

I was still spotting later that day when I took Meghan to the doctor's for a checkup. Drew was on the road 3+ hours away with this awful log home restoration job. I was taking care of Meghan, we had just moved into my in laws house, so everything was in boxes and jumbled around in our room and I was watching Dylan during the day. I continued to spot and pass some small clots.

On May 15th, I passed a large clot, what I believe to be our baby.

I had called the local family planning office so they could confirm the pregnancy and help me find an OBGYN that accepted Medicaid. I chose the OBGYN that Kait had delivered Freddy with because they were so convenient. But, they weren't able to fit me in for an appointment until May 30th. I was floored that I'd have to wait 3 weeks to see anyone, even after I explained to the receptionist that I thought I was miscarrying.

On May 30th, our baby was confirmed as a miscarriage.

I didn't have too high of hopes going into that appointment. I knew in my heart that this baby wasn't meant to be, and I think I knew it subconsciously all along. The midwife felt my fundal height and tried to find a heartbeat with the handheld doppler machine, which should've been easy as I should've been about 16 weeks.

No heartbeat but my own.

The silence was deafening.

I tried to hold back tears as she explained we would do an ultrasound right away because perhaps the baby was in a weird position.

Ultrasound tech saw no sign of a baby. I cried.

It's been really hard trying to work through this. Miscarriage is one of those things where you think it will never happen to you. The doctor told me 1 in 3 women miscarry and before I hardly knew anyone who had miscarried. After I announced our loss on Facebook, "But all that has been is a whisper of a promise. We were expecting a baby, but Heaven got an angel instead. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are greatly appreciated. Earth Mama Angel Baby and stillbirthday.com are amazing resources. ♥"; support and prayers and women like me were coming through the woodwork. Even friends of mine that are my age have had loss. It's amazing how something like miscarriage isn't talked about.


So.


That's where it's at. I hope to update more frequently, don't be a stranger! :)

oh yeah...

...I forgot to update yesterday about ttc. I am still not pregnant and still have not had a period this month. It is so weird. I've never missed one before except while I was pregnant and then the 1st 13 months of Meghan's life. I've had a period every month since then.

Besides now.

I took another test this morning and it was glaringly negative. Today is day 37 of my cycle, which is just ridiculously long. Maybe I'll just skip this month and resume again next month. I don't know. Of course, I just stocked up on feminine products at BJ's (warehouse store where they sell in bulk).

I still blame breastfeeding for these wacky hormones I've got going on. Some days I just want to wean her col turkey style, but then she toddles over with a big smile, signing "milk" (that's the sign we use for nurse-it looks like when you nurse a cow!) and my heart just melts.

(photo credit)

I had mentioned before about how she was clamping on for dear life, and then today we had the sweetest, most gentle nurse. Very uncharacteristic of her, as of late.

I've been thinking about our family size lately and how her breastfeeding still is affecting that. I have always wanted a large family, for as long as I can remember. And it seems that as long as she's nursing, even though I do (or did) get semi-regular periods, I'm not ovulating at the right time. The obvious solution to that is to wean her. I'm thinking I would like her to be weaned by her 2nd birthday, then hopefully she would have a sibling before her 3rd. I don't want a bazillion years (dramatic, I know) in between our children because I fear they won't have good relationships.

There are 3 years in between my older sister, Lacie and I and 2 years between Kait (younger) and I. Kait and I have always had a better relationship than Lacie and I. Lacie wasn't really a good role model when we were growing up and I hope I was a better role model to Kait than Lacie was to us. Lacie was already out of the house by the time Kait made it to high school.

Eh, tangent. The point is, I had wanted children close in age so they could be supportive of each other and foster good relationships. I have such high hopes for our little family :)

And it is very hard to not be jealous of the other mommies around me getting pregnant so easily with their 2nd (3rd, 4th, 5th, etc) babies and I feel like I'm failing at what I feel I was designed to do. Sad face.

Well, that got a lot heavier than I intended.

might as well...

...go eat worms! :( Nothing has been going right lately, surely it will turn around soo, right? Right?! Hah. At least I can laugh through all this, although I imagine there will be more sad smileys than happy ones in this post.

The Alero broke down tonight. My dad called earlier, he had gone over to Donnie's (the mechanic) this morning, but he wasn't there. My dad thinks he might be down south getting more cars. I hope so, because we definitely need one now. :( Drew was on his way to play music with some guys and only made it about halfway before he heard a loud pop and the car stopped. Which is what my dad said would happen when the cam shaft goes. And it went. :(

I told Drew to have it towed to my dad's house (thank goodness for AAA!) I've also been texting my sister, Kait, throughout this whole ideal, but she hasn't answered so I don't think she's home. Drew then texted me that there was a hole in the oil pan. I don't know how he knows this, maybe the tow truck driver took a look? I have next to zero knowledge about cars, but a hole in the oil pan doesn't sound nearly as bad as the cam shaft breaking! My dad sure will be in for a surprise when he wakes up tomorrow!

(Also, Drew is getting a ride home from one of his friends, so no worries there, but no clue how we're going to get anywhere-good thing I just stocked up on groceries!)

In unrelated news, I'm not pregnant, but I still haven't gotten my period. My cycle is so messed up! And it's very frustrating because I know that breastfeeding is screwing with it and there isn't much I can do! Meghan is still very interested in nursing, still feeding when she wakes up in the morning and when going down for naps and bedtime. Occasionally throughout the day, she nurses as well, especially if she's tired, cranky or hurt. I had to work so hard to be able to breastfeed, I don't want to give it up and neither does she!

I have been seriously contemplating weaning her though. She enjoys it, but sometimes refuses to nurse. She also refuses to stop biting me. She clamps on with her upper teeth and hangs on for dear life! I have bite marks on me every time she nurses and it hurts! ;) If I ask her to be gentle, she does lessen the strength of her hold. We also would really like to have another baby-despite all of our trials lately. Clearly, not being pregnant has been a blessing! And it seems like my cycle will never return to normal unless we stop breastfeeding. I have largely been an advocate and practicer of child led weaning, so weaning Meghan has always felt sort of off to me. I wonder if she would've weaned herself by now, if I wasn't a stay at home mom?

Sorry for such a downer of a blog post, but such is life ;)

I have got to stop...

...waiting so long in between posts! This is ridiculous! I've only got 1 kid, it can't be that hard right?! You'd think I could just sit down and write already, I know the suspense of my day-to-day is killing you all. ;) Hah.

We have been very busy lately. After last time I wrote, we went to court with our landlords, celebrated Island Week with Drew's family, celebrated 4 birthdays in a week, might be pregnant (cross your fingers), car's breaking down, fell off the exercise/diet wagon, might be moving out, still have 0 income...not in that order, but you get the gist.

So, we went to court and settled with the lawyer before we went before the judge. Ended up borrowing money from my mother so that we could get all caught up with the landlords. I went to her house to borrow the money the night before they went on vacation to Costa Rica! My poor, yet so helpful mother :) She is really awesome, and always there for me when I'm in a jam. And she was at the top of my "People I Can Borrow Money From" list, so that was nice. Ironically enough, our ceiling started leaking last night and this whole fiasco started out with the leaking ceiling last May! Needless to say, I cannot wait to get out of here-even if we have to move in with Drew's parents! :)

Island Week is the Winter Break where all the kids are off from school. Drew's family doesn't go on vacation, they do Island Week! They decorate the living room/kitchen area, dress in bathing suits and island attire, listen to island music and eat island food. It is so much fun and a wonderful family tradition. This year, Meghan and I spent the whole week there! Meghan slept in a pack and play and I slept on a spare bed in Drew's sisters' room. We had a lot of fun and ate sooo much good food! I am never disappointed when we go there to eat!

We played a lot of limbo-which I never win, hah. Played a lot of Rock Band on the Xbox, drank lots of pina coladas and Malibu-and-pineapple-juice (this is my all time favorite grown up drink and it really needs a shorter name!) and danced a lot! Meghan loves to dance and groove and loved all the islandy (yes, that's a word) music!

I also love Island Week because we get to see all of Drew's siblings and their significant others within a few days. We are hardly ever in the same place at the same time besides holidays and apple picking in the fall. :) I especially was glad to see Drew's brother Pat and his wife, Alex. They work crazy-long hours at a hospital in the big city and sometimes even miss holiday get-togethers. The Super Bowl was the first time I had been to their house and they've been there almost a year!

March is a ridiculous month for birthdays in our family! Five in total! The 2nd is Drew's brother Luke, then the 5th is my mother. Olivia, Drew's sister, was born on the 6th. His sister, Val on the 9th and his mom on the 29th. We have been spending a lot of time in our hometown recently! We went to Chinese buffet for dinner on the 4th for Luke's birthday because he was at the church's Brother Conference all weekend. We went with Drew's sister Michelle, her boyfriend Corey, Luke and their cousin, Joey; who is very good friends with Drew and Pat. He was the groomsman in our wedding! Then we had chinese takeout for dinner at my mom's on the 5th. Back to the homestead on the 6th for Olivia's birthday and tonight we had dinner again there for Val's birthday.

I think I did a fair job as far as presents go this year. I got Olivia a really cool tshirt, but it is a bit big. It looked so small on the hanger! I guess I didn't realize she's gotten a lot slimmer recently with all the gymnastics she's been doing! I got Val some really cool nail polish, earrings and a candle. She loved the earrings and polish-which I'm glad for because she is so hard to buy for! I made Luke a mohawk hat, and then realized I made the mohawk part very crooked so I had to re-do it while we were visiting. We also ordered him something that he doesn't know about and are waiting for it to arrive :)

Found out today that our only car is probably on it's last legs. With less than 93,000 miles on it too! Can we ever catch a break with cars?! :) The alero is making a knocking noise that gets louder when you accelerate and my dad thinks the cam shaft is going, which is not good and expensive to repair/replace. Add that to the leaking anti-freeze, leaky but not holey tires, and shutting-itself-off issues and we may as well walk everywhere!

We might be able to trade it for credit towards a used car at a (hometown) local garage my dad used to work at. He's good friends with the owner, Donnie, and he has been getting cars at auction down south to sell up here. My dad is going to talk with him tomorrow about maybe working out a deal where we make payments towards a new-to-us car. I'm hoping something works out as we have no clue as to when the car will just stop working. :( But, I am determined to look on the bright side of this as we may be needing a bigger car anyway...

:D

Haha. Today is day 31 of my cycle. I've gotten out of practice of taking my temperature everyday. We were at Island Week and then Meghan and I were horribly sick in the weeks after, so I haven't been charting at all. I also haven't had any period cramps-I haven't had any pregnancy symptoms either. Who knows? Either way, if my period doesn't come by tomorrow morning, I'm taking a test! :)

My lifestyle change was also hit hard by Island Week and being sick :( I didn't exercise at all and ate so much yummy, but bad-for-me food. It was definitely worth it though. Being out of our apartment for more than a couple hours was great, like a mini-vacation! While there, I made a few cowl/neckwarmers for an upcoming craft fair (or my etsy store, if they don't sell) and also finally finished the baby blanket for my good friend, Klare. She's due in April and I was worried I wouldn't finish! Now I'm working on a stripey earflap hat for her son, Scotty (he's Meghan's age) and then I have to go deliver them!

As far as moving out, I definitely don't want to live here after our lease is up at the end of April and I don't imagine that the landlords will be renewing our lease this year. Especially after all the flack we've given them and the whole court debacle. I just hope we can find something or work out a situation with Drew's parents if we have to, but with 0 real income, it's hard. Drew gets unemployment at about 72% of what he was making before and I am still getting paid by Lacie for babysitting Dylan during the week, so it's not really 0 income, but it is so scary for neither of us to have a "real" job.

Leading from that, I have joined some sponsored blog sites where I could be paid for writing blog posts about different topics. Each post will have a disclaimer, hopefully I'll be able to put at the top, so if you don't want to read it you don't have to. I am also hoping to get topics that are related to what I already write about. Nobody wants to read about quantum physics here, right? ;)

How's that for an update? See you tomorrow? ;)

happy...

...Saturday! Do you ever think to yourself, "Gee, this weekend is practically empty...I'll just laze the days away..." and then you realize you actually have a ridiculous weekend? Welcome to my life.

Meghan's been waking up when she wets her diaper at night. I am both delighted and perplexed by this. She been peeing (and occasionally pooing) in the potty for a couple of weeks and hasn't had an accident on the floor is over a week. I know she can hold it if she needs to, I just don't know why she doesn't hold it all night. She does drink a lot of liquids and still nurses 3-5 times a day. Today we went and picked out some big girl undies at Walmart. She was pretty excited until we got home and she had them on awhile and then kept wanting to take them off. Up until now she's been bottomless under her dresses so going potty is easy. She only had the undies on for a few hours but no accidents!

I'm not complaining, I hate diaper laundry as much as the next momma. Unfortunately, she usually poos while sleeping and doesn't wake up and so her rash has been flaring up. Not to mention, she's now working on her bottom vampire teeth (I don't know why I haven't looked that up yet.) That reminds me, I need to fill in her baby book...

Since our exciting plans fell through, I can now tell you and the rest of the world our former exciting news. Not baby related, sorry to burst your bubble ;)

I wrote last week (a few weeks ago?) about going to my mother's for spaghetti dinner (I had green beans instead of pasta) and we were supposed to go somewhere, but my mom was really sick with whatever has been going around so we didn't go. All caught up? We were supposed to go look at a house! (!!!) I know!

It all started when my older sister, Lacie, noticed that a house up the street from her was for sale and it happened to be my great-grandpa's old house and she was all excited and nagging me to get a hold of our mother who is goods friends with the real estate agent, Dean. Now, I firmly believe that Dean is a shady guy, but he's very good friends with my mom and her husband, Jim. Dean would also offer to hold the mortgage for us as we are in no position to get one. But, that would mean Dean could charge whatever he wanted in interest, my mom was thinking around 13%! (the current national average is 3.something%)

Drew and I both really hate our apartment (except for the fact that rmy sister in law lives in our complex!) and are definitely moving in April because our lease is up then. So, if we were able to get into a house, especially in/near our home town, that would've been awesome. But I was speaking to my mother yesterday and we agreed that we are in no financial situation to be buying a house that will just get foreclosed anyway. Our future is so uncertain right now, as Drew is getting laid off in a couple weeks.

That's another stresser that's been haunting me. We are about to lose our only income. Drew will qualify for unemployment and Lacie will still be paying me for babysitting Dylan. It is just so scary. There aren't many prospects either. Drew and I talked about me going back to work, but I don't see that happening. And I don't see Drew handling having to watch the kids during the week.

At any rate. Super stressful here. In completely unrelated/baby news, still not pregnant. I think. WARNING. ICK FACTOR AHEAD. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.


****************************************************


I've been charting my bbt (basal body temperature-your body's base temperature when you wake up in the morning before getting out of bed, peeing, brushing your teeth, etc.) since the end of December. I take my temp orally with a special digital thermometer that goes to hundreths of a degree. You can also take your temperature vaginally or rectally. But really, orally is just fine with me ;) I definitely saw a shift in my temps this month and I 99% know I ovulated on the 29th and I've been checking my cervical fluid. ick. Which seemed more plentiful this month than previously. ick. But that's a good thing for us, because we are in the baby-making business!

In other words, I might have some news around the 10th. I really want
refuse to take a test before then. ;)

I'm off to finish my Super Bowl cookies for the party tomorrow, I get to see Pat (bro-in-law) and Alex's house (his lovely wife) for the first time! Super excited, they moved in last spring!

sunday, sunday...

...just another lazy Sunday here in the little apartment. I like to rest on Sundays. Just let the whole week's worth of troubles and chaos slip away as I catch up on some of my blogs that I read! :) Today I read a great post about breastfeeding over at She Breathes Deeply. Mandy is a great, young, Christian momma (just like myself) and I love to read her blog. She has a daughter as well, Lily, who is 10 months old. Anyway, she wrote a post about breastfeeding and all the trouble she had in the beginning and now it's going wonderfully. It really parallels some of the struggles Meghan and I had in the beginning. I was just so unsure of everything and sometimes it felt like giving up would be easiest, but I am so glad we stuck with it. Meg is still a happy nurser at almost 18 months old. :)

Do you ever have to go back read your recent blog posts to make sure you're not repeating repeating yourself? Haha. I just did. I wanted to elaborate on the cloth diaper adventure and I couldn't remember if I had written some things. I hadn't, so now I'm sharing them.

So, I had said Meghan was battling a rash. What I didn't say was that we've been fighting with the rash on and off for at least the last 6 months. :( Side note about our washing routine- I was rinsing every diaper, using 2 scoops of Rockin Green diaper soap (as recommended) in just 1 wash cycle, then line drying.

At first, it was just regular type rashes that would clear right up. Then in August the rash turned into abscesses seemingly overnight. I took Meghan into the Dr where she was prescribed some antibiotics and I was told to use triple antibiotic cream as well. (1st warning sign) It cleared up well and then made a mini appearance right before our family camping trip in September. I was worried about being in the wilderness and her rash getting out of control again, so I called the Dr again. They didn't want to put her on antibiotics again so soon, to avoid her developing an immunity to the medication. I was told to use the Neosporin. I had some bacitracin, so we used that and disposables while camping. Bad. Idea. The abscesses were minuscule, but the red, angry rash flared up like crazy. (2nd warning sign) She was in pain and it hurt me to have to change her diaper.

Since then the rash has been pretty constant. And I am kicking myself for not realizing what it was before now. We could get the rash to go away, but it would almost always start up soon after. (3rd warning sign) I started using coconut oil as a diaper rash cream and it did help more than anything else, but the rash never really went away. It had progressed from a red, angry, raised rash into that plus blisters. :( I was literally crying over it and I wanted so badly to not let it hurt Meghan. I thought I just needed to strip the diapers more. I tried drops of Dawn dish soap in the wash and stripping them by boiling them on the stove. But, again, these were only temporary fixes. Her bum hasn't been completely clear since before August.

Then I saw a blog post from some diaper company or cloth diaper blog about yeast. A light bulb went off and suddenly, everything made sense. CLICK! (hah) It made total sense. The rash that never truly went away, blisters, antibiotics and the fact that I only ran 1 wash cycle. I don't know how many times I've read about extra rinses when washing cloth diapers, but I was/am trying to save money and thought I could cut corners. Turns out I can't.

First thing I did was bleach everything. This is a big no-no in the cloth diaper community because bleach can break down the fibers very fast and ruin the diapers. I always thought I would never bleach and then I realized since I have been drying the diapers inside because of the weather, they weren't getting bleached by the sun! It was like everything aligned at once! So, I bleached every diaper, wipe and cover in our "stash" and washed them a 2nd time with NO SOAP. Then I dried the 100% cotton wipes, prefolds, and fitteds the dryer and everything else (anything with PUL in it) on the drying rack so it wouldn't melt. I noticed an improvement almost immediately. We went through the rest of our disposables that we had leftover from the camping diaper disaster and switched entirely to the bleached cloth and coconut oil (which is safe for cloth diapers because of it's super low melting point).

Her beautiful booty is getting clearer and clearer everyday. No more red, just a few spots of pink skin and the bigger blisters are almost healed. I am beyond happy that I finally figured it out! I am still kicking myself that it took so long for me to get it. I was almost to the point of quitting the cloth. I was hoping Meg would take to potty learning as she showed some interest and then we would only have to deal with diapers at nap time and overnight. But, she's not really interested in the potty. She has peed on it a few times, but that's it. It was really hard to look at her cute, bare bum during the day covered in an angry rash, but it's looking good now!

On to other things...we are still ttc. I got AF again this month, but I had started charting my temperature orally on fertilityfriend.com. I really think we can conceive if I know what is going on with my body. And I started charting, not just to ttc. I have been interested in temping for awhile and I'm pretty "crunchy" and I want to be in tune with my body. Speaking of, I had the strangest dream last night. I was VBACing in a hospital (hah) and Meg's pediatrician was my OB but he was fatter (very strange) and some girls I knew in high school were my L&D nurses. I dreamt that I stopped labor and made all the drs and nurses look at me and listen to my "demands" for the birth, like holding the baby right away, nursing right away, leaving the cord attached until all the blood was in the baby, etc. I did have 2 IV's, 1 in each arm, which was weird. Drew wasn't there though, I was all by myself with the hospital staff. We had a boy, but I don't know the name.

Weird.

My diet and exercising is going pretty good. I've lost 3.3 pounds according to the Wii! I don't know how accurate it is, but it's too small for me to notice a difference yet. Which is ok with me. The WiiFit makes you weigh yourself everyday, which I don't think is effective as far as mentally trying to lose weight, but it's how you "check in" each day, so if you just exercise, it doesn't record that you did anything that day. Not effective. I would say dieting is only going fair. It is really hard for me to not snack throughout the day especially when Dylan and Meghan are both here, because someone is always hungry! We got some super delicious grapefruit at BJ's last weekend so I've been enjoying those at breakfast almost every day ;) I also tried oatmeal with peanut butter and blueberries for the first time and it was strangely good. It's hard to not put sugar and milk on it! I had tried a while ago with just crunchy peanut butter and I didn't like it. But with creamy peanut butter and some frozen blueberries...yum!

My confession today is that I didn't exercise yesterday or today at all, so I'm off to shovel the car out of all the snow we've gotten in the last couple days!

untitled...

...simply because I haven't written in so long! It really makes me feel terrible and I know writing is a great stress reliever and stress is something we are never short on here!

I'm thinking I need to carve out a chunk of time everyday for writing. But I barely take the time to check my email everyday, so how will I manage that? I've thought about getting up earlier, I've started getting up at the same time everyday-or at least waking up at the same time (more on this later) so if I actually force myself to get up and write before Meghan wakes up then I can start the day fresh. Hmmmmm, I'm liking this!

Meg went through this weird sleep pattern over the last weekish. She usually wakes at 7-730am, naps after lunch from noon-2pmish and then goes right to sleep at 7pmish and sleeps through the night without waking up. Well, her vampire teeth (I don't know the right name for them, I should probably look it up) started coming in and seemed to bother her more than any of her other teeth-including her molars. She got the most ridiculous diaper rash that we are still battling and her sleep went all wacky. She stopped napping all together and refused to go down at night without a fight, an-I-think-the-neighbors-are-calling-cps-right-now fight. She would scream bloody murder. And it didn't matter if I went in there to comfort her, nurse her or rock her. She would not sleep and she would not be consoled. So she would cry for a bit, fall asleep and then wake every hour for hours into the night and cry for a bit and then go back to sleep. On New Year's Eve, she went down with a fight at 730pm, woke up every hour after that until 1230am, was awake a solid 2 hours until 230am, when I got her up and changed her diaper-thinking that maybe she couldn't sleep through a soaked diaper, nursed her again and even let her come in my bed in an attempt for her to get some sleep. DID. NOT. WORK. She just laid there and played with my face until I put her back in her bed where she promptly fell asleep at 430am and slept until 1130am and then was wide awake for New Year's Day! It was nuts!

But, I think it's finally getting back to normal, She went down asleep last night at 730 and slept through until this morning around 8. Still not napping though, I do put her down like a nap and she cries a bit, but then settles down and rests in there I guess. I hear her talking to someone right now ;) She babbles or lays down until I go in and get her after an hour or so. At least she's resting, these types of nap-less days are the ones she goes down easily at night-I don't know how I feel about the trade-off!

As you may or may not know, we've been using cloth diapers since Meghan was 9 months old and I love most of it. This latest rash is really testing my patience. Meghan got a potty seat for Christmas, so we've been making good use of that! Most of the time we get to the bathroom before she has a major accident. #1 only though, #2 she is failing at miserably :)

I try and keep her bottom half naked as we battle the rash of the year. The best part is that I know the teething set it off and the cloth just seems to blow it out of control. One morning we wake up and her ENTIRE booty is red and angry. Makes me sad that she has to deal with all this pain, but she doesn't mind being semi-naked, she refused to put on a diaper for naptime today! We've been using coconut oil when she has cloth on (best discovery ever) and the oil makes a noticeable difference. I was using Boudreaux's butt paste when we were using disposables and I literally coated her diaper area with it until it looked like I painted her booty with cream paint and it made no difference with this rash. I've been putting Meg in dresses and tunics during this rash to keep her modest, but her feet and legs get cold, so I add socks, leg warmers and use tights when she has a diaper on. She also has some slippers that a mite too big, but fit ok when she has thick socks or tights on.

It always seems chilly in here now that we finally have SNOW! Yup, I live in the snowbelt of central New York and we barely had snow for Christmas. No snow on Christmas just makes the whole day sad.

Speaking of the Christmas season, I ate too much, drank too much and generally failed in the weight loss/lifestyle change area of my life. I stopped doing c25k and I'm upset about it. I know I'm only human, but I really wanted to finish it. I might start it back up, but my friend Angie in Massachusetts mentioned doing p90x over skype. She's dealing with her own craziness, so it wouldn't be for awhile. I'm hoping to go visit her in February! (super excited for that!) I tried to eat well in December, I even skipped mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving! December just felt really rushed, so we ate a lot of quick meals which included a bunch of processed junk and I baked like a mad woman for Christmas. I can say that I did not eat a lot of the Christmas goodies I made, so that's one small victory! Drew thinks we should only eat chicken and rice or steak and rice for dinner. Sometimes a vegetable. When he told me that, I just looked at him sideways and laughed. I did get a George Foreman grill for Christmas from my Dad and a duplicate from my Grandma. We have used it a few times, I grilled up some leftover pot roast with Montreal steak seasoning on it-yum! Needless to say, I don't think I'll be doing the crazy crash diet. I'll just watch what I eat and make good choices and eat more fresh than boxed food. Our projection tv blew a lamp, so I haven't been able to do WiiFit, but that was only a couple weeks ago-there's no excuse for not doing it in December. I'm going to get back on the exercise bandwagon as soon as the tv's fixed, replacement lamp should be here any day ;)

I have some great motivators for wanting/needing to get in shape. Firstly, we are still trying to conceive our second child. I just assumed too much when I thought we would get pregnant right away after my period returned. And you know what happens when you assume ;) We've been actively trying since August and my period's been fairly regular since then so everything is working right, I assume. (look where that got me, ha) I started taking my temperature orally and charting it over at fertility friend. Hopefully I'll be able to tell when I'm ovulating and then up our chances for conception. Secondly, my friend Angie is also very overweight and she has PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) She has been working on her diet and exercise as well. Now that I sort-of have a partner, it's definitely easier as I can text her whenever I need to, plus we skype on most Fridays. Thirdly, my 5 year college reunion is in June. If that's not a motivator, I don't know what is. I do not want to look the same as I did in college. I already weigh more now than I did then, I think. I didn't really weigh myself in college and gained a ton of weight in 4 years. Guesstimate about 40 pounds. ick. Not that I really care what any of my classmates think, but it'll be a great bonus if someone notices ;) So, I've got about 6 months to get my booty in gear, no problem!

My latest crochet project is calling name and my tummy is a-rumblin', I hope to not be so much of stranger.

happy...

...monday! HA! Mondays are often the most dreaded day of the week, but sometimes I crave the return to structure. The weekend can be so hectic and uncertain. On Saturday, I had to take our Oldsmobile 88 to our hometown so my Dad could take it to his mechanic friend to get it inspected. It passed, to everyone's surprise! It's a 1997 and has a slew of issues with it. We don't drive it much in the winter because the heat doesn't blow out of the vents. It does get warm-if you hold your hands up to the vents, but defrosting the windshield is really just a bad joke. Last winter was brutal; the car would get buried in the snow in our apartment's parking lot because of the snow plows and Drew and I would have to shovel the car out. (well...mostly Drew ;) ) So, we've gone back and forth as to whether or not to keep the 88 on the road, but it is a convenience. If we only have one car, then Meghan and I have to get up very early and drive Drew to work to drop him off so we can have the car for the day. We don't often go places, but sometimes we have doctor's appointments or WIC or just have to get to the store! :)

We also have a 2001 Alero, this is what Drew usually drives. Right now it's a bit under the weather. The exhaust separated from the car while we were camping last month and we haven't driven it since then because the noise is just obnoxious. I'm sure we would get a ticket for it if we were pulled over. Hopefully the Alero will be getting fixed this week. While my Dad was getting the 88 inspected, he spoke to the mechanic and he said he will be ready for it on Thursday. The plan is to drop the Alero off on Wednesday night. I have to call the mechanic on Wednesday to make sure he'll be ready for it, my Dad thinks the mechanic said he has 3 days of work...but really it might be 4 or 5. That's just how this mechanic is, Once I drop the car off, I'll have to call him every day just to make sure he's working on it. :) He really is a nice guy, great father, but he tends to think he'll have work finished faster than it actually gets done.

One other not-related-to-cars tidbit that I forgot to share with my bloggie friends is that we are still ttc. No luck last month! :( I did get a little sad, but I know God has a plan for us and I trust in Him. We will just keep trying, I know it will happen eventually. I really want a completely different birth experience than what Meghan and I had last time, but that's a whole 'nother crazy long blog post and I have to get up early tomorrow! Good night!