Tuesday, October 29, 2013


I feel so lost sometimes. I don't know where to start. 

Some would say at the beginning, but where to begin? Should I start where I left off? 

My last post was over a year ago. 

Still no new baby. 

Or pregnancy for that matter. 

So that makes me sad. And angry. And envious. And jealous. So incredibly jealous. Of the other young mothers around me and even the pregnant celebrities. People I have never even met before. 

Maybe I feel so lost because I'm grasping as straws trying to get pregnant. The traditional way is just not working for us. 

And we had such an easy time getting pregnant with Meghan, I never thought it would be so hard this time around. 

In a related story, the branch I now work for at the credit union (in a nearby busy town but not in the big city) is all female (not intentionally it just worked out that way). And our theme for Halloween is a maternity ward complete with baby dolls in a "nursery" and us dressed up as pregnant women or nurses. 

And I really thought I could handle it. I really did. 

Until I broke down in tears, hyperventilating while digging out cloth diapers to bring in for decorating. 

When Meg saw what I was doing, she said, "Oh! Those are for the new babies!"

Meaning new babies in my belly. 

That broke my heart. 

And yet, I'm so incredibly happy for my pregnant friends and acquaintances. Hurray for them! And I mean it! I'm so glad they're welcoming a new life. 

I just wish I could have that too. 

The daughter of my old boss, who is about my age, just announced her third pregnancy. She has a daughter who is a month younger than Meghan. And a son, who would be the same age as our miscarried baby. 

It was so funny when we ended up pregnant at the same time. Also Pat and Alex's son, Gabe, is a few months younger than our unborn baby. 

It is so surreal to me. I was elated when Alex announced that she was pregnant! We were going to have so much fun as pregnant mommies together. 

And all that changed so quickly. 

And then Drew's sister, Val, announced her pregnancy last spring. Oh, I was so happy for her and her fiancé! I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant with her.  To share this amazing experience with her.

And still, I'm not pregnant. 

Our baby was due November 15, 2012. 

I miss that baby everyday. I wish we had named him. Or her, I suppose. But I really feel like that baby was a boy. I miss him so much, it hurts. 

The lender at my branch has a 3 year old and just got married at the beginning of October. She shared with everyone that they would be trying for another baby now and that she stopped taking birth control. She had made a comment in the past about "racing" to see who would be pregnant first. 

I've been there since February and my co-workers know we're trying and have been trying for a long time to get prengant. 

No one's made that comment in months.

Then, this evening, one of Drew's friends made a comment about how we should have another kid so Meghan can have someone to play with. And how she'll be too big to have a sibling soon. All directed at me, of course. Like I have all the control in this matter!

Um, excuse me? Who are you to say when we should have another child? And why, for that matter? 

Ugh. Keep your comments to yourself!

So much work to do for Halloween and so little time! That's enough ranting for me. Thanks for listening!

(Excuse my grammar and spelling mistakes, typing on my phone 😉)