It's been a long time...

...comin'. My poor readers. Sorry to keep you out of the loop for so long, I can't believe it's been 4 months since I wrote last! So many changes and I was quite depressed for awhile there and really did not have the heart to write. Nor the time.

When I left you all, we were living in an apartment in a suburb of the big city. We had just learned/realized our lease would not be renewed and were in a bit of a pickle because we had no income at that time.

Enter stage left: my amazing in-laws! I am truly blessed to be a part of this family, I am grateful everyday that they were able to make room for 3 more people in their home. At the time, it was Drew's parents and his siblings: Val (and her boyfriend Matt), Liz, Luke, Carrie, Jake, Eileen, Olivia, Danielle and Sean living in their house. Then Liz announced she would be moving in with her boyfriend at the end of April, just in time for us to move in before our lease expired April 30th.

It's amazing how God always has a plan and provides right when we need it.

So, we have been living in an upstairs bedroom. And it's amazing how much stuff we can fit in a regular bedroom along with 3 people. You wouldn't think Meghan would take up a lot of room, but she does!

Speaking of, Meghan just turned two! We had so much fun at her birthday party, it was rainbow themed! Meg had lots of good times with friends and family and got lots of lovely presents, which she loves so much. "Me, presents, momma?" is what she likes to ask frequently!

Meghan in her birthday outfit

Things have been going pretty well, we have food and shelter ;) Drew and I are both looking for jobs at this point, in the hope that one of us will get lucky and get something. We really need income of some kind, bills do tend to pile up when you don't pay them! I really am hoping Drew finds something first. I truly feel like my calling is to be a homemaker, wife and momma. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I would be grateful for serious income.

Besides bills being due, we've been driving my dad's 2002 Buick Park Ave. It's a monster of a boat but it gets maybe 20 miles to the gallon. If we're lucky. We really need something reliable and gas-friendly.

Now for the sad part.


We have been ttc for a long time now, seriously working at it since AF returned a year ago. (a year, already?!) This past February, AF never showed up. I was elated! I thought finally we had conceived a sibling for Meghan. So, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I took another 2 weeks later as AF still hadn't reared her ugly head. Again, negative. I was dejected, but I know that sometimes nursing affects your cycle, so I was resolved to continue trying and perhaps AF would come back in March.

All throughout March, I had horrible headaches, was very tired and had nausea nearly everyday. I knew the nausea was weird, I was avoiding foods that normally I love. Nursing was becoming increasingly painful as well, I thought Meghan was biting me every time! I decided to take another test the morning of March 29th (mil's birthday) because I was nauseous again and thought that if it was still negative, perhaps I was experiencing a false/hysterical pregnancy.

It was positive!

We were so overjoyed! Finally, an answer to my prayers. And relief as well, that I wasn't making everything up in my head. :)

AF never did return and April was pretty busy, I was packing up everything we own and finding a storage unit to store most of our stuff in. I never had a chance to find a doctor. I met with a homebirth midwife, but she was unwilling to do an HBAC with me as she had never had an HBAC momma before.

All throughout this time, I never had any dreams about the baby, which I thought was strange because I dreamt of Meghan several times before she was born and before I even knew I was pregnant. I never had the urgency to get the pregnancy confirmed either. Whereas with Meghan, I found an OBGYN right away.

I also was seriously considering not announcing the pregnancy until 12 weeks and after it had been confirmed and we had heard the heartbeat. But, we told the in laws on Kim's birthday and the rest of my family on Easter in April. I even made Meg an iron on tshirt that said, "I'm gonna be a big sister!" I announced it on Facebook to make it official "Pink or Blue, Either will do, By Thanksgiving we'll have Baby #2!"

On May 8th, I woke up bleeding. I was terrified.

I was still spotting later that day when I took Meghan to the doctor's for a checkup. Drew was on the road 3+ hours away with this awful log home restoration job. I was taking care of Meghan, we had just moved into my in laws house, so everything was in boxes and jumbled around in our room and I was watching Dylan during the day. I continued to spot and pass some small clots.

On May 15th, I passed a large clot, what I believe to be our baby.

I had called the local family planning office so they could confirm the pregnancy and help me find an OBGYN that accepted Medicaid. I chose the OBGYN that Kait had delivered Freddy with because they were so convenient. But, they weren't able to fit me in for an appointment until May 30th. I was floored that I'd have to wait 3 weeks to see anyone, even after I explained to the receptionist that I thought I was miscarrying.

On May 30th, our baby was confirmed as a miscarriage.

I didn't have too high of hopes going into that appointment. I knew in my heart that this baby wasn't meant to be, and I think I knew it subconsciously all along. The midwife felt my fundal height and tried to find a heartbeat with the handheld doppler machine, which should've been easy as I should've been about 16 weeks.

No heartbeat but my own.

The silence was deafening.

I tried to hold back tears as she explained we would do an ultrasound right away because perhaps the baby was in a weird position.

Ultrasound tech saw no sign of a baby. I cried.

It's been really hard trying to work through this. Miscarriage is one of those things where you think it will never happen to you. The doctor told me 1 in 3 women miscarry and before I hardly knew anyone who had miscarried. After I announced our loss on Facebook, "But all that has been is a whisper of a promise. We were expecting a baby, but Heaven got an angel instead. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are greatly appreciated. Earth Mama Angel Baby and stillbirthday.com are amazing resources. ♥"; support and prayers and women like me were coming through the woodwork. Even friends of mine that are my age have had loss. It's amazing how something like miscarriage isn't talked about.


So.


That's where it's at. I hope to update more frequently, don't be a stranger! :)

hmmm...

...took a little break there, sorry mates! :) It was totally unintentional. I kept saying to myself, "I could be blogging about this (insert event)" or "I could be blogging RIGHT NOW" ... and then I didn't. :/ I use a lot of emoticons, I hope that doesn't bother anyone (if so, there's the virtual door :P) I use them, because how else would you know what I'm emoting?!

No news yet on the ttc front. AF is due around September 8th, coincidently, we'll be camping in the wilderness, so I'll let you know when we get back if there is any exciting news! I doubt it, as I am not having any symptoms like I did with Meghan.

Onto this camping business. I love camping, I really do. Two summers ago, hubby and I went with his brother and 2 sisters and their significant others. It was interesting to say the least. We went for 4 days, it rained 2 days and every night while we were there! So, there was a lot less craziness, although there was a fair amount of it. I don't want to go into details, but by the end, we were so grateful to get out of each others' hair!

Last year we didn't go camping as I was enormously pregnant with Meg and I would have been up to it, maybe earlier in the Spring, but Drew and I moved into our own apartment and got married within 2 weeks, so we really just took the rest of the time to settle in and set up shop for baby.

We will be gone from the 7th to the 11th. We are going camping in the Adironacks. When I said 'wilderness', I meant it! Short of wandering aimlessly, I don't think there could be a more remote way to camp. Literally, you sign in on a sheet of paper with your info, place your marker in the occuppied column and make your way to your site. It's first come-first served. There are Park Rangers around if needed. There is a store, gas station, boat rentals, etc.

At any rate, we are taking our first family vacation! And I am stoked! (can you tell?!) I don't know how Meg's going to do in the wilderness. I think we're taking an inflatable mattress, or we are sleeping on the ground. She did okay when we spent the night at the homestead (in laws) but that was just one night and in their back yard. And by okay, I mean she woke up a couple times and I had to nurse her back to sleep. Here at home, she sleeps in her crib, so she almost always settles back to sleep on her own and at least I would know she wouldn't be fooling around in the tent in the event she woke up. She also wouldn't be rolling off the air mattress! Obviously we can't take her crib with us...I'll probably just wing it like I usually do! :)

Back to babies, Drew has 2 cousins that are sisters and they are both pregnant and due in January! Very exciting in and of itself (almost as exciting 2 years ago when his 3 cousins were expecting within a month of each other!) Then we got the news that 1 of his currently pregnant cousins is expecting twins!! So excited and surprised! Multiples don't run in his family, even with all the large sized families. (10+ children per family) Around this same time, we learned that his Aunt, who was expecting her 17th (22nd pregnancy) lost her little one at about 10 weeks. The baby was still there, but no heartbeat. I am so saddened by this news, I admit I did cry. His aunt yearns to have another newborn and I know it would have brought her much happiness. My heart goes out to her and her family (all the children knew about the baby, her youngest is 3) I did not write anything on her blog as I did not know what to say. I haven't yet felt that loss, and hope I never have to. It is all in God's plan and He knows what is best for us.

I hate to end on a sad note, but perhaps I shall come back from camping with good news!