Sad

I feel so lost sometimes. I don't know where to start. 

Some would say at the beginning, but where to begin? Should I start where I left off? 

My last post was over a year ago. 

Still no new baby. 

Or pregnancy for that matter. 

So that makes me sad. And angry. And envious. And jealous. So incredibly jealous. Of the other young mothers around me and even the pregnant celebrities. People I have never even met before. 

Maybe I feel so lost because I'm grasping as straws trying to get pregnant. The traditional way is just not working for us. 

And we had such an easy time getting pregnant with Meghan, I never thought it would be so hard this time around. 

In a related story, the branch I now work for at the credit union (in a nearby busy town but not in the big city) is all female (not intentionally it just worked out that way). And our theme for Halloween is a maternity ward complete with baby dolls in a "nursery" and us dressed up as pregnant women or nurses. 

And I really thought I could handle it. I really did. 

Until I broke down in tears, hyperventilating while digging out cloth diapers to bring in for decorating. 

When Meg saw what I was doing, she said, "Oh! Those are for the new babies!"

Meaning new babies in my belly. 

That broke my heart. 

And yet, I'm so incredibly happy for my pregnant friends and acquaintances. Hurray for them! And I mean it! I'm so glad they're welcoming a new life. 

I just wish I could have that too. 

The daughter of my old boss, who is about my age, just announced her third pregnancy. She has a daughter who is a month younger than Meghan. And a son, who would be the same age as our miscarried baby. 

It was so funny when we ended up pregnant at the same time. Also Pat and Alex's son, Gabe, is a few months younger than our unborn baby. 

It is so surreal to me. I was elated when Alex announced that she was pregnant! We were going to have so much fun as pregnant mommies together. 

And all that changed so quickly. 

And then Drew's sister, Val, announced her pregnancy last spring. Oh, I was so happy for her and her fiancé! I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant with her.  To share this amazing experience with her.

And still, I'm not pregnant. 

Our baby was due November 15, 2012. 

I miss that baby everyday. I wish we had named him. Or her, I suppose. But I really feel like that baby was a boy. I miss him so much, it hurts. 

The lender at my branch has a 3 year old and just got married at the beginning of October. She shared with everyone that they would be trying for another baby now and that she stopped taking birth control. She had made a comment in the past about "racing" to see who would be pregnant first. 

I've been there since February and my co-workers know we're trying and have been trying for a long time to get prengant. 

No one's made that comment in months.

Then, this evening, one of Drew's friends made a comment about how we should have another kid so Meghan can have someone to play with. And how she'll be too big to have a sibling soon. All directed at me, of course. Like I have all the control in this matter!

Um, excuse me? Who are you to say when we should have another child? And why, for that matter? 

Ugh. Keep your comments to yourself!

So much work to do for Halloween and so little time! That's enough ranting for me. Thanks for listening!

(Excuse my grammar and spelling mistakes, typing on my phone 😉)

setbacks...

...seem to be the norm around here. Meghan's diaper rash is flaring up and I was a bit mystified until I stripped half of our diaper stash yesterday. Before, when we only had cotton prefolds and covers, I would just boil the prefolds for 20-30 minutes and covers for 10 minutes. You're not supposed to boil anything with PUL or snaps, as it can warp or cause leaks, but I haven't had any problem with that technique. Now that we have some microfiber inserts, fleece pocket diapers, etc., we get the stinkies/ammonia sometimes. What started this recent bout of stripping was I put Meghan in a Happy Heineys pocket diaper for overnight. We love this because it's easy to use and easy to stuff with extra inserts for overnight. Meg has turned into a heavy wetter at night time since she started drinking milk, water, and juice. The new routine is: I wash everything on hot with a regular amount of diaper soap, a squirt of Dawn dish soap and 2 splashes of bleach. Then an extra wash with just water, so rinse everything clean. I brought all the diapers upstairs and boiled them. Then I rung everything out by hand and hung it all up to dry. The diapers take overnight to dry thoroughly when doing the everyday diaper laundry. The stripped diapers were still quite wet this afternoon, so they're getting a spin in the dryer right now.

I use Dawn because it is "the grease fighter" or whatever their slogan is, so it helps to remove residue left behind by rash creams. I've been using coconut oil, which works great and washes out of the prefolds well, but not the Happy Heineys. The cover is repelling liquid and so Meghan is just sitting in her wet diaper until the liquid is slowly absorbed by the inserts-resulting in the red, angry rash. I'm using the bleach to keep the yeast away until Meg's bum is completely clear. I'm only going to use the 2 splashes of bleach every other week so that the diapers don't deteriorate too fast. Hopefully. :/

I wash every other day or every 3rd day. Lately, every other day. So our diaper stash is split into 2 loads and I'll be doing the whole stripping routine again tomorrow. Big plans for my Saturday-haha.

The beginning of this week didn't start out so great, as far as the scale goes. I gained instead of losing over the weekend. I did not eat right last weekend or exercise and I paid for it on Monday. In addition to not watching what I was eating, I didn't get a chance to exercise, so on Sunday shovelled out our car so I could use it and get some cardio in. :) Kim (mil) called me on Sunday afternoon to say that I was invited to Drew's cousin Katie's baby shower and that it started in 3 hours! I was excited to go because I love babies and parties and getting to see a bunch of Drew's family and their friends from their church.

As Kim was telling me about the party and that I didn't need to bring a gift because of the short notice, I was racking my brain to think of something to bring or quickly whip up with my crochet hook. But 3 hours just wasn't enough time. Add my "workout", Meg's late nap and getting ready to that...I ended up bringing a card. Kim and I were talking about how it would've been nice if I had the time to make an infant sized Mohawk hat like I did for Drew's brother for Christmas. I wish I had had the time to whip up a hat because that would've been too cute and Kim said Katie's husband would've thought it was a hoot. I might make one and give it to Kim to give to Katie anyway, or mail it to her. I don't know. I started a baby blanket for another relative who is due in April and it's not even 1/4 way finished. I started it right after Christmas and I'm only like 10 rows into it.

So back to the exercise deal. I'm thinking about posting my weight numbers on here. I'm not sure if I want the whole world to know exactly how much I weigh, but it would be nice to keep track. I'll probably just post about the milestones, like every 10 pounds or something. I'm not at 10 pounds yet, but I'm getting there! I did work hard all week, worked out every day and I saw a new number today! Very excited about that, I texted Drew right away. :) I also started the Special K diet, like the cereal. I'm eating a bowl for breakfast with fruit, a Special K protein meal bar for lunch with fruit or vegetables, and "regular" food for dinner. Plus Special K protein water, fruits and vegetables for snacks. I do slip up and catch myself splitting a Slim Jim snack with Meghan or eating Goldfish off of her high chair tray when she's done. Sometimes I have a mental battle with myself. ;)

I also have stopped snacking after dinner. It sort of happened subconsciously, the other night I just wasn't hungry after dinner, so I didn't eat. There's a new concept, eh? ;) Then the next night I just didn't eat anything after dinner. Usually Drew and I will have some sort of snack every night when we watch tv or movies together after Meghan goes to sleep. It's getting easier and easier every day. This is such a relief to me because sometimes it feels like an uphill battle.

I love it when it takes 3 4 hours to write a post...

untitled...

...simply because I haven't written in so long! It really makes me feel terrible and I know writing is a great stress reliever and stress is something we are never short on here!

I'm thinking I need to carve out a chunk of time everyday for writing. But I barely take the time to check my email everyday, so how will I manage that? I've thought about getting up earlier, I've started getting up at the same time everyday-or at least waking up at the same time (more on this later) so if I actually force myself to get up and write before Meghan wakes up then I can start the day fresh. Hmmmmm, I'm liking this!

Meg went through this weird sleep pattern over the last weekish. She usually wakes at 7-730am, naps after lunch from noon-2pmish and then goes right to sleep at 7pmish and sleeps through the night without waking up. Well, her vampire teeth (I don't know the right name for them, I should probably look it up) started coming in and seemed to bother her more than any of her other teeth-including her molars. She got the most ridiculous diaper rash that we are still battling and her sleep went all wacky. She stopped napping all together and refused to go down at night without a fight, an-I-think-the-neighbors-are-calling-cps-right-now fight. She would scream bloody murder. And it didn't matter if I went in there to comfort her, nurse her or rock her. She would not sleep and she would not be consoled. So she would cry for a bit, fall asleep and then wake every hour for hours into the night and cry for a bit and then go back to sleep. On New Year's Eve, she went down with a fight at 730pm, woke up every hour after that until 1230am, was awake a solid 2 hours until 230am, when I got her up and changed her diaper-thinking that maybe she couldn't sleep through a soaked diaper, nursed her again and even let her come in my bed in an attempt for her to get some sleep. DID. NOT. WORK. She just laid there and played with my face until I put her back in her bed where she promptly fell asleep at 430am and slept until 1130am and then was wide awake for New Year's Day! It was nuts!

But, I think it's finally getting back to normal, She went down asleep last night at 730 and slept through until this morning around 8. Still not napping though, I do put her down like a nap and she cries a bit, but then settles down and rests in there I guess. I hear her talking to someone right now ;) She babbles or lays down until I go in and get her after an hour or so. At least she's resting, these types of nap-less days are the ones she goes down easily at night-I don't know how I feel about the trade-off!

As you may or may not know, we've been using cloth diapers since Meghan was 9 months old and I love most of it. This latest rash is really testing my patience. Meghan got a potty seat for Christmas, so we've been making good use of that! Most of the time we get to the bathroom before she has a major accident. #1 only though, #2 she is failing at miserably :)

I try and keep her bottom half naked as we battle the rash of the year. The best part is that I know the teething set it off and the cloth just seems to blow it out of control. One morning we wake up and her ENTIRE booty is red and angry. Makes me sad that she has to deal with all this pain, but she doesn't mind being semi-naked, she refused to put on a diaper for naptime today! We've been using coconut oil when she has cloth on (best discovery ever) and the oil makes a noticeable difference. I was using Boudreaux's butt paste when we were using disposables and I literally coated her diaper area with it until it looked like I painted her booty with cream paint and it made no difference with this rash. I've been putting Meg in dresses and tunics during this rash to keep her modest, but her feet and legs get cold, so I add socks, leg warmers and use tights when she has a diaper on. She also has some slippers that a mite too big, but fit ok when she has thick socks or tights on.

It always seems chilly in here now that we finally have SNOW! Yup, I live in the snowbelt of central New York and we barely had snow for Christmas. No snow on Christmas just makes the whole day sad.

Speaking of the Christmas season, I ate too much, drank too much and generally failed in the weight loss/lifestyle change area of my life. I stopped doing c25k and I'm upset about it. I know I'm only human, but I really wanted to finish it. I might start it back up, but my friend Angie in Massachusetts mentioned doing p90x over skype. She's dealing with her own craziness, so it wouldn't be for awhile. I'm hoping to go visit her in February! (super excited for that!) I tried to eat well in December, I even skipped mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving! December just felt really rushed, so we ate a lot of quick meals which included a bunch of processed junk and I baked like a mad woman for Christmas. I can say that I did not eat a lot of the Christmas goodies I made, so that's one small victory! Drew thinks we should only eat chicken and rice or steak and rice for dinner. Sometimes a vegetable. When he told me that, I just looked at him sideways and laughed. I did get a George Foreman grill for Christmas from my Dad and a duplicate from my Grandma. We have used it a few times, I grilled up some leftover pot roast with Montreal steak seasoning on it-yum! Needless to say, I don't think I'll be doing the crazy crash diet. I'll just watch what I eat and make good choices and eat more fresh than boxed food. Our projection tv blew a lamp, so I haven't been able to do WiiFit, but that was only a couple weeks ago-there's no excuse for not doing it in December. I'm going to get back on the exercise bandwagon as soon as the tv's fixed, replacement lamp should be here any day ;)

I have some great motivators for wanting/needing to get in shape. Firstly, we are still trying to conceive our second child. I just assumed too much when I thought we would get pregnant right away after my period returned. And you know what happens when you assume ;) We've been actively trying since August and my period's been fairly regular since then so everything is working right, I assume. (look where that got me, ha) I started taking my temperature orally and charting it over at fertility friend. Hopefully I'll be able to tell when I'm ovulating and then up our chances for conception. Secondly, my friend Angie is also very overweight and she has PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) She has been working on her diet and exercise as well. Now that I sort-of have a partner, it's definitely easier as I can text her whenever I need to, plus we skype on most Fridays. Thirdly, my 5 year college reunion is in June. If that's not a motivator, I don't know what is. I do not want to look the same as I did in college. I already weigh more now than I did then, I think. I didn't really weigh myself in college and gained a ton of weight in 4 years. Guesstimate about 40 pounds. ick. Not that I really care what any of my classmates think, but it'll be a great bonus if someone notices ;) So, I've got about 6 months to get my booty in gear, no problem!

My latest crochet project is calling name and my tummy is a-rumblin', I hope to not be so much of stranger.