we are...

...never ever ever getting back together. I cannot get that Taylor Swift song out of my head. I've only heard it all the way through once on the radio and that was a few days ago...

Crazy head.

Lots of crazy things going on, no surprise there. I'll be watching Dylan this week and then, that's it! Forever! I am so so relieved. I never really wanted to watch him, I started when Meghan was 4 months old and I mostly don't enjoy it. At the time, we were living in our apartment in the suburbs and I liked being a stay-at-home momma to just one baby. I was sort of forced into it, Lacie and my mom were both pushing for it. In their eyes, being a sahm is not a job and to not be making an income is just not enough contribution to the world. Blargh. In some ways, I feel cheated out of Meg's babyhood. I don't know if that's weird of not, because my nephew shouldn't feel like an observer, but he did. Does. Sometimes.

Of course, being here is different, I'm thankful Meg has other kids to play with around her age, every day. Plus she's older and so much more independent. And my mom and sister really sold it to me, "You'll get paid", "it's only 4 days a week", etc. Well, $100 a week for 40+ hours is crap. I would much rather being doing something and get paid a real wage for it.

Paid, full time, training for my new job (Part Time teller at Empower FCU) starts September 10th. That's just 2 days after we move in with Drew's grandparents before they leave for their cross country vacation on September 12th. So, Meg will be going through a lot of change in a short amount of time. We all will.

And I am totally cool with that.

I'm ready to switch it up. I think I'll be able to get a bunch of crafty stuff done and work on actually getting my etsy store off the proverbial ground. We will of course, be less crowded and have more room. Even with working like crazy, I'll be able to set up my sewing machine and crochet stuff somewhere and just sit down (or pick it up) whenever I want. I haven't bothered with the sewing machine here because after I get Meghan to sleep, clean the kitchen table/area and set the machine up, it'd be 10pm. So there wasn't really a point to it. My poor crochet projects have been sitting on the shelf next to the couch for months. I never did finish Drew's cousin's baby blanket (Kim's sister's daughter, Jess gave birth to her daughter on Sean's 5th birthday. July 24th)

Thinking about straightening my hair today. Just for the fun of it. Maybe while I'm off washing diapers...

I am in rare...

...form today, I suppose. Just when you're at your wit's end and think maybe a nap at 6pm is looking brilliant, your in-laws walk in the door from their camping vacation! Huge weight lifted off my shoulders as I will be hearing significantly less amounts of "Meghan is..." "Sean took my...", " Danielle won't stop...", "I can't find my...", "SoAndSo is sick..." and my personal favorite, "I'm Hungry!" :)

Can't believe it's almost 10 o'clock, I have my interview at Empower tomorrow morning and have to be out the door by 9...which reminds me I should probably look up directions tonight, instead of in the morning like I did last time.

There. Took care of that.

Now, I just have to figure out what to wear. I asked Drew (always has the insightful answer hah) and he suggested the skirt with the blue and green circles on it. And then I pointed to my bottom half. (I was wearing aforementioned skirt) We laughed and then I mentally tried to figure something out. I don't know if I should go with a skirt/top or a dress. Probably a skirt, I wear them more often and am more comfortable in them than in the dresses I own.

I was in a little bit of a rush last time and I think it showed, I didn't get my hair right and was sort of flying out the door. I hope to be more collected tomorrow. Also, the woman I met with last time will be there, along with a supervisor, a branch manager and a district manager. Probably all of those people. No worries. :)

So say a little prayer, shout out, sing a song, etc for me and hopefully my Friday Letters post will start off on a happy note ;)

yummmm...

...made iced coffee this morning. Definitely the best way to start the day. We only had a little of the Pumpkin Spice coffee left, so I put half of that and half regular Arabica in the coffee maker. Yum! We're all out of milk, so a trip to the little town market sometime today...perhaps I'll take a kid or two. :)

In much more riveting news, got my results from the blood draw on Saturday, my HCG level was at a 4! That means I am definitely having a period right now (awesome) and we can conceive (awesomer!) Super excited! When I got off the phone with the nurse, I turned to Drew and said "Let's make a baby!" Haha.

Hopefully, I'll have a rainbow baby update in 4ish weeks ;)

I had the screening test with Empower yesterday, and I passed it, which means I am not an idiot :) I have an official interview with a branch on Thursday morning. I still have a phone interview with M&T on Friday morning as well. They're both for part time teller positions, which I think will be perfect. I don't want a full time job (whether we need it or not) I think I got really burnt out when I was working before; just working, homekeeping and sleeping. It was really rough not having any time to be creative.

Also, Sunday is Danielle's 7th birthday (also my Grandma's birthday) and Danielle is having a tea party! I am excited for all the yummies we'll be eating. Plus we get to dress up! It will be a long day with 2 parties to go to!

In September, Drew's grandparents are celebrating their 50th anniversary by driving cross country! They'll be gone for 6 (or more) weeks and we will be house sitting for them. We go there on the 8th and if I get the position with Empower, training for that starts the 10th, so lots of changes! Haven't figured out what we'll do if Drew is working too, as far as Meghan is concerned. I'd hate to have to drive him to work, Meghan to Cato (so Kim can watch her :D) and then to the suburbs of the big city to work. (not the suburb we lived in before, the one where Colleen and Joey live, for those of you who know me in real life)

I'm sure it will all work out. It always does.

sunday...

...funday? I don't know about that one. Kim and Tom (in-laws) have gone camping in the Adirondacks until at least Wednesday. Or whenever they run out of food. And they took food. A lot of food. Haha. So I am in charge (of course!) with Drew, Val, Matt, Luke, Carrie (she's at her boyfriend's house right now), Jake, Eileen, Olivia, Danielle and Sean. And Meghan. Dylan comes tomorrow, but that's the only day this week. I don't really count Val and Matt as they're very self-sufficient and tend to stay in their room. A lot.

Kim cooked up a bunch of food before she left like taco meat and sloppy joes (YUM). We'll be eating like the Kennedys while they're gone. My mom used to say that a lot whenever we had something good to eat, instead of sandwiches or ramen night. ;)

Kim laughed when she read my Friday letter post, I didn't know I was so funny! I was serious about the womb/blood work part. I had my (hopefully last) blood drawn yesterday, but I won't hear the results until Monday when the Dr's office calls me. I wrote that because I'm pretty sure my period is back! (hurray!) This feels like a postpartum period too, which is good, but I am seriously crampy and cranky and exhausted and constantly hungry. I ate 4 baked potatoes with dinner the other. FOUR. POTATOES. What was I thinking?! I was thinking I was hungry, that's what! Hah.

I applied to a bunch of positions over the past 10 daysish and M&T bank and Empower Credit Union have both called back! I have a screening test tomorrow morning with Empower and a phone interview with M&T Friday morning. So. Maybe I'll be getting a job. :)

I think I'm going to lost it today if these kids keep eating all the freeze pops. And I'm not even talking about the youngest 3 kids. :D

It's been a long time...

...comin'. My poor readers. Sorry to keep you out of the loop for so long, I can't believe it's been 4 months since I wrote last! So many changes and I was quite depressed for awhile there and really did not have the heart to write. Nor the time.

When I left you all, we were living in an apartment in a suburb of the big city. We had just learned/realized our lease would not be renewed and were in a bit of a pickle because we had no income at that time.

Enter stage left: my amazing in-laws! I am truly blessed to be a part of this family, I am grateful everyday that they were able to make room for 3 more people in their home. At the time, it was Drew's parents and his siblings: Val (and her boyfriend Matt), Liz, Luke, Carrie, Jake, Eileen, Olivia, Danielle and Sean living in their house. Then Liz announced she would be moving in with her boyfriend at the end of April, just in time for us to move in before our lease expired April 30th.

It's amazing how God always has a plan and provides right when we need it.

So, we have been living in an upstairs bedroom. And it's amazing how much stuff we can fit in a regular bedroom along with 3 people. You wouldn't think Meghan would take up a lot of room, but she does!

Speaking of, Meghan just turned two! We had so much fun at her birthday party, it was rainbow themed! Meg had lots of good times with friends and family and got lots of lovely presents, which she loves so much. "Me, presents, momma?" is what she likes to ask frequently!

Meghan in her birthday outfit

Things have been going pretty well, we have food and shelter ;) Drew and I are both looking for jobs at this point, in the hope that one of us will get lucky and get something. We really need income of some kind, bills do tend to pile up when you don't pay them! I really am hoping Drew finds something first. I truly feel like my calling is to be a homemaker, wife and momma. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I would be grateful for serious income.

Besides bills being due, we've been driving my dad's 2002 Buick Park Ave. It's a monster of a boat but it gets maybe 20 miles to the gallon. If we're lucky. We really need something reliable and gas-friendly.

Now for the sad part.


We have been ttc for a long time now, seriously working at it since AF returned a year ago. (a year, already?!) This past February, AF never showed up. I was elated! I thought finally we had conceived a sibling for Meghan. So, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I took another 2 weeks later as AF still hadn't reared her ugly head. Again, negative. I was dejected, but I know that sometimes nursing affects your cycle, so I was resolved to continue trying and perhaps AF would come back in March.

All throughout March, I had horrible headaches, was very tired and had nausea nearly everyday. I knew the nausea was weird, I was avoiding foods that normally I love. Nursing was becoming increasingly painful as well, I thought Meghan was biting me every time! I decided to take another test the morning of March 29th (mil's birthday) because I was nauseous again and thought that if it was still negative, perhaps I was experiencing a false/hysterical pregnancy.

It was positive!

We were so overjoyed! Finally, an answer to my prayers. And relief as well, that I wasn't making everything up in my head. :)

AF never did return and April was pretty busy, I was packing up everything we own and finding a storage unit to store most of our stuff in. I never had a chance to find a doctor. I met with a homebirth midwife, but she was unwilling to do an HBAC with me as she had never had an HBAC momma before.

All throughout this time, I never had any dreams about the baby, which I thought was strange because I dreamt of Meghan several times before she was born and before I even knew I was pregnant. I never had the urgency to get the pregnancy confirmed either. Whereas with Meghan, I found an OBGYN right away.

I also was seriously considering not announcing the pregnancy until 12 weeks and after it had been confirmed and we had heard the heartbeat. But, we told the in laws on Kim's birthday and the rest of my family on Easter in April. I even made Meg an iron on tshirt that said, "I'm gonna be a big sister!" I announced it on Facebook to make it official "Pink or Blue, Either will do, By Thanksgiving we'll have Baby #2!"

On May 8th, I woke up bleeding. I was terrified.

I was still spotting later that day when I took Meghan to the doctor's for a checkup. Drew was on the road 3+ hours away with this awful log home restoration job. I was taking care of Meghan, we had just moved into my in laws house, so everything was in boxes and jumbled around in our room and I was watching Dylan during the day. I continued to spot and pass some small clots.

On May 15th, I passed a large clot, what I believe to be our baby.

I had called the local family planning office so they could confirm the pregnancy and help me find an OBGYN that accepted Medicaid. I chose the OBGYN that Kait had delivered Freddy with because they were so convenient. But, they weren't able to fit me in for an appointment until May 30th. I was floored that I'd have to wait 3 weeks to see anyone, even after I explained to the receptionist that I thought I was miscarrying.

On May 30th, our baby was confirmed as a miscarriage.

I didn't have too high of hopes going into that appointment. I knew in my heart that this baby wasn't meant to be, and I think I knew it subconsciously all along. The midwife felt my fundal height and tried to find a heartbeat with the handheld doppler machine, which should've been easy as I should've been about 16 weeks.

No heartbeat but my own.

The silence was deafening.

I tried to hold back tears as she explained we would do an ultrasound right away because perhaps the baby was in a weird position.

Ultrasound tech saw no sign of a baby. I cried.

It's been really hard trying to work through this. Miscarriage is one of those things where you think it will never happen to you. The doctor told me 1 in 3 women miscarry and before I hardly knew anyone who had miscarried. After I announced our loss on Facebook, "But all that has been is a whisper of a promise. We were expecting a baby, but Heaven got an angel instead. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are greatly appreciated. Earth Mama Angel Baby and stillbirthday.com are amazing resources. ♥"; support and prayers and women like me were coming through the woodwork. Even friends of mine that are my age have had loss. It's amazing how something like miscarriage isn't talked about.


So.


That's where it's at. I hope to update more frequently, don't be a stranger! :)

I have got to stop...

...waiting so long in between posts! This is ridiculous! I've only got 1 kid, it can't be that hard right?! You'd think I could just sit down and write already, I know the suspense of my day-to-day is killing you all. ;) Hah.

We have been very busy lately. After last time I wrote, we went to court with our landlords, celebrated Island Week with Drew's family, celebrated 4 birthdays in a week, might be pregnant (cross your fingers), car's breaking down, fell off the exercise/diet wagon, might be moving out, still have 0 income...not in that order, but you get the gist.

So, we went to court and settled with the lawyer before we went before the judge. Ended up borrowing money from my mother so that we could get all caught up with the landlords. I went to her house to borrow the money the night before they went on vacation to Costa Rica! My poor, yet so helpful mother :) She is really awesome, and always there for me when I'm in a jam. And she was at the top of my "People I Can Borrow Money From" list, so that was nice. Ironically enough, our ceiling started leaking last night and this whole fiasco started out with the leaking ceiling last May! Needless to say, I cannot wait to get out of here-even if we have to move in with Drew's parents! :)

Island Week is the Winter Break where all the kids are off from school. Drew's family doesn't go on vacation, they do Island Week! They decorate the living room/kitchen area, dress in bathing suits and island attire, listen to island music and eat island food. It is so much fun and a wonderful family tradition. This year, Meghan and I spent the whole week there! Meghan slept in a pack and play and I slept on a spare bed in Drew's sisters' room. We had a lot of fun and ate sooo much good food! I am never disappointed when we go there to eat!

We played a lot of limbo-which I never win, hah. Played a lot of Rock Band on the Xbox, drank lots of pina coladas and Malibu-and-pineapple-juice (this is my all time favorite grown up drink and it really needs a shorter name!) and danced a lot! Meghan loves to dance and groove and loved all the islandy (yes, that's a word) music!

I also love Island Week because we get to see all of Drew's siblings and their significant others within a few days. We are hardly ever in the same place at the same time besides holidays and apple picking in the fall. :) I especially was glad to see Drew's brother Pat and his wife, Alex. They work crazy-long hours at a hospital in the big city and sometimes even miss holiday get-togethers. The Super Bowl was the first time I had been to their house and they've been there almost a year!

March is a ridiculous month for birthdays in our family! Five in total! The 2nd is Drew's brother Luke, then the 5th is my mother. Olivia, Drew's sister, was born on the 6th. His sister, Val on the 9th and his mom on the 29th. We have been spending a lot of time in our hometown recently! We went to Chinese buffet for dinner on the 4th for Luke's birthday because he was at the church's Brother Conference all weekend. We went with Drew's sister Michelle, her boyfriend Corey, Luke and their cousin, Joey; who is very good friends with Drew and Pat. He was the groomsman in our wedding! Then we had chinese takeout for dinner at my mom's on the 5th. Back to the homestead on the 6th for Olivia's birthday and tonight we had dinner again there for Val's birthday.

I think I did a fair job as far as presents go this year. I got Olivia a really cool tshirt, but it is a bit big. It looked so small on the hanger! I guess I didn't realize she's gotten a lot slimmer recently with all the gymnastics she's been doing! I got Val some really cool nail polish, earrings and a candle. She loved the earrings and polish-which I'm glad for because she is so hard to buy for! I made Luke a mohawk hat, and then realized I made the mohawk part very crooked so I had to re-do it while we were visiting. We also ordered him something that he doesn't know about and are waiting for it to arrive :)

Found out today that our only car is probably on it's last legs. With less than 93,000 miles on it too! Can we ever catch a break with cars?! :) The alero is making a knocking noise that gets louder when you accelerate and my dad thinks the cam shaft is going, which is not good and expensive to repair/replace. Add that to the leaking anti-freeze, leaky but not holey tires, and shutting-itself-off issues and we may as well walk everywhere!

We might be able to trade it for credit towards a used car at a (hometown) local garage my dad used to work at. He's good friends with the owner, Donnie, and he has been getting cars at auction down south to sell up here. My dad is going to talk with him tomorrow about maybe working out a deal where we make payments towards a new-to-us car. I'm hoping something works out as we have no clue as to when the car will just stop working. :( But, I am determined to look on the bright side of this as we may be needing a bigger car anyway...

:D

Haha. Today is day 31 of my cycle. I've gotten out of practice of taking my temperature everyday. We were at Island Week and then Meghan and I were horribly sick in the weeks after, so I haven't been charting at all. I also haven't had any period cramps-I haven't had any pregnancy symptoms either. Who knows? Either way, if my period doesn't come by tomorrow morning, I'm taking a test! :)

My lifestyle change was also hit hard by Island Week and being sick :( I didn't exercise at all and ate so much yummy, but bad-for-me food. It was definitely worth it though. Being out of our apartment for more than a couple hours was great, like a mini-vacation! While there, I made a few cowl/neckwarmers for an upcoming craft fair (or my etsy store, if they don't sell) and also finally finished the baby blanket for my good friend, Klare. She's due in April and I was worried I wouldn't finish! Now I'm working on a stripey earflap hat for her son, Scotty (he's Meghan's age) and then I have to go deliver them!

As far as moving out, I definitely don't want to live here after our lease is up at the end of April and I don't imagine that the landlords will be renewing our lease this year. Especially after all the flack we've given them and the whole court debacle. I just hope we can find something or work out a situation with Drew's parents if we have to, but with 0 real income, it's hard. Drew gets unemployment at about 72% of what he was making before and I am still getting paid by Lacie for babysitting Dylan during the week, so it's not really 0 income, but it is so scary for neither of us to have a "real" job.

Leading from that, I have joined some sponsored blog sites where I could be paid for writing blog posts about different topics. Each post will have a disclaimer, hopefully I'll be able to put at the top, so if you don't want to read it you don't have to. I am also hoping to get topics that are related to what I already write about. Nobody wants to read about quantum physics here, right? ;)

How's that for an update? See you tomorrow? ;)

happy...

...Saturday! Do you ever think to yourself, "Gee, this weekend is practically empty...I'll just laze the days away..." and then you realize you actually have a ridiculous weekend? Welcome to my life.

Meghan's been waking up when she wets her diaper at night. I am both delighted and perplexed by this. She been peeing (and occasionally pooing) in the potty for a couple of weeks and hasn't had an accident on the floor is over a week. I know she can hold it if she needs to, I just don't know why she doesn't hold it all night. She does drink a lot of liquids and still nurses 3-5 times a day. Today we went and picked out some big girl undies at Walmart. She was pretty excited until we got home and she had them on awhile and then kept wanting to take them off. Up until now she's been bottomless under her dresses so going potty is easy. She only had the undies on for a few hours but no accidents!

I'm not complaining, I hate diaper laundry as much as the next momma. Unfortunately, she usually poos while sleeping and doesn't wake up and so her rash has been flaring up. Not to mention, she's now working on her bottom vampire teeth (I don't know why I haven't looked that up yet.) That reminds me, I need to fill in her baby book...

Since our exciting plans fell through, I can now tell you and the rest of the world our former exciting news. Not baby related, sorry to burst your bubble ;)

I wrote last week (a few weeks ago?) about going to my mother's for spaghetti dinner (I had green beans instead of pasta) and we were supposed to go somewhere, but my mom was really sick with whatever has been going around so we didn't go. All caught up? We were supposed to go look at a house! (!!!) I know!

It all started when my older sister, Lacie, noticed that a house up the street from her was for sale and it happened to be my great-grandpa's old house and she was all excited and nagging me to get a hold of our mother who is goods friends with the real estate agent, Dean. Now, I firmly believe that Dean is a shady guy, but he's very good friends with my mom and her husband, Jim. Dean would also offer to hold the mortgage for us as we are in no position to get one. But, that would mean Dean could charge whatever he wanted in interest, my mom was thinking around 13%! (the current national average is 3.something%)

Drew and I both really hate our apartment (except for the fact that rmy sister in law lives in our complex!) and are definitely moving in April because our lease is up then. So, if we were able to get into a house, especially in/near our home town, that would've been awesome. But I was speaking to my mother yesterday and we agreed that we are in no financial situation to be buying a house that will just get foreclosed anyway. Our future is so uncertain right now, as Drew is getting laid off in a couple weeks.

That's another stresser that's been haunting me. We are about to lose our only income. Drew will qualify for unemployment and Lacie will still be paying me for babysitting Dylan. It is just so scary. There aren't many prospects either. Drew and I talked about me going back to work, but I don't see that happening. And I don't see Drew handling having to watch the kids during the week.

At any rate. Super stressful here. In completely unrelated/baby news, still not pregnant. I think. WARNING. ICK FACTOR AHEAD. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.


****************************************************


I've been charting my bbt (basal body temperature-your body's base temperature when you wake up in the morning before getting out of bed, peeing, brushing your teeth, etc.) since the end of December. I take my temp orally with a special digital thermometer that goes to hundreths of a degree. You can also take your temperature vaginally or rectally. But really, orally is just fine with me ;) I definitely saw a shift in my temps this month and I 99% know I ovulated on the 29th and I've been checking my cervical fluid. ick. Which seemed more plentiful this month than previously. ick. But that's a good thing for us, because we are in the baby-making business!

In other words, I might have some news around the 10th. I really want
refuse to take a test before then. ;)

I'm off to finish my Super Bowl cookies for the party tomorrow, I get to see Pat (bro-in-law) and Alex's house (his lovely wife) for the first time! Super excited, they moved in last spring!