oh yeah...

...I forgot to update yesterday about ttc. I am still not pregnant and still have not had a period this month. It is so weird. I've never missed one before except while I was pregnant and then the 1st 13 months of Meghan's life. I've had a period every month since then.

Besides now.

I took another test this morning and it was glaringly negative. Today is day 37 of my cycle, which is just ridiculously long. Maybe I'll just skip this month and resume again next month. I don't know. Of course, I just stocked up on feminine products at BJ's (warehouse store where they sell in bulk).

I still blame breastfeeding for these wacky hormones I've got going on. Some days I just want to wean her col turkey style, but then she toddles over with a big smile, signing "milk" (that's the sign we use for nurse-it looks like when you nurse a cow!) and my heart just melts.

(photo credit)

I had mentioned before about how she was clamping on for dear life, and then today we had the sweetest, most gentle nurse. Very uncharacteristic of her, as of late.

I've been thinking about our family size lately and how her breastfeeding still is affecting that. I have always wanted a large family, for as long as I can remember. And it seems that as long as she's nursing, even though I do (or did) get semi-regular periods, I'm not ovulating at the right time. The obvious solution to that is to wean her. I'm thinking I would like her to be weaned by her 2nd birthday, then hopefully she would have a sibling before her 3rd. I don't want a bazillion years (dramatic, I know) in between our children because I fear they won't have good relationships.

There are 3 years in between my older sister, Lacie and I and 2 years between Kait (younger) and I. Kait and I have always had a better relationship than Lacie and I. Lacie wasn't really a good role model when we were growing up and I hope I was a better role model to Kait than Lacie was to us. Lacie was already out of the house by the time Kait made it to high school.

Eh, tangent. The point is, I had wanted children close in age so they could be supportive of each other and foster good relationships. I have such high hopes for our little family :)

And it is very hard to not be jealous of the other mommies around me getting pregnant so easily with their 2nd (3rd, 4th, 5th, etc) babies and I feel like I'm failing at what I feel I was designed to do. Sad face.

Well, that got a lot heavier than I intended.