is this gas...

...or what? I don't know, I can't tell. It feels like the flutterings of a little baby, but I don't have any other symptoms. Plus I took a test on Christmas Eve and it was negative so I would only be about 4 weeks and it is way too early to be feeling anything. That sort of leads into this.

Drew and I are not trying to conceive (as in not counting days or figuring out when I'm ovulating, etc) but we are also not preventing. In any way. I took the birth control pill from my 6 week postpartum appointment for the 1 month and then couldn't renew my prescription due to Medicaid issues (that's a whole nother post to deal with). So we just decided to go with the flow and let whatever happens happen.

I've decided that I never want to be on birth control again. I hate the way I feel when I'm on it. I imagine it's how someone with mental issues feels when they're on their 'medication'. It's like I'm not myself. I say and do things that I know are not me. And I have no control over how I act or react and I cannot stand it. In addition to the hormonal issues, I get these light brown spots on my chest that change shape and move around my skin. (yeah, you read that right. they move!) If that's not freaky I don't know what is.

And you may say, how can you do that? You'll end up with 20 kids! There are other birth control options! I know that I can do whatever God feels is right for me to handle and I know he wouldn't provide us with something that we couldn't handle. I know I won't end up with 20 kids because Meghan came via c-section and I will likely have to have another at some point down the road, although I'd like to avoid it. Other birth control methods are just as hormonal (the ring or shot) or inserted physically (an IUD) and I am not doing any more hormone and the thought of a plastic or copper IUD inside my body that wasn't meant to be there is enough to turn my stomach.

So, I will trust in God and his plan for us and hope for the best. I know I have nothing to worry about if I keep the faith.